Here comes Volume 3! I love writing these things <^_^> This time, it's a solo adventure! Wow... after writing this one, it sure turned out to be long! I just got going and couldn't seem to stop lol. This one has a bit different flavor than the two before it, but I think you will enjoy it just the same <^_^>
Not-quite-legal disclaimer: This thread is intended to make you laugh. This is not a rant or flame thread, nor is it intended to offend. The opinions expressed here do not necessarily reflect that of ffxi.allakhazam.com or my imaginary friends who produced this thread.
Today's episode: Fun with Goblins
*today's story begins in a land of monkeys and trees and pamamas. That's right, we're goin to the outback... Elshimo! DRG rides the ariship to Kazham and bravely strolls out into the mighty jungle... with any luck, I'll meet up with Lion *^^*
DRG: Ah, Yuhtunga Jungle, we meet again. Once I feared your mighty wilds but not this day! I shall forth and conquer all who oppose me!
*yet another goblin smithy is zoned to kazham*
DRG: *evil grin* My, how the tables have turned, gobby.
*DRG goes to slaughter the goblin smithy but is struck down in 3 hits*
SMN: Ouch... maybe I should have switched back to my high level job before I went out into the jungle...
*wanderingn00b starts casting Raise on SMN*
>>wanderingn00b Thank you sooo much!
*wanderingn00b checks you*
*wanderingn00b's casting is interrupted*
wanderingn00b>> hahahahahahahahaha you stupid fool, you are a level 1? I bet you cheated to get your airship pass, I'm not gonna raise you!
>>wanderingn00b what? I switched to SMN to death warp to jeuno, my main job is DRG... Can I please get a raise?
wanderingn00b OMG UR MOM!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
*wanderingn00b walks off*
SMN: /fume
*you cannot perform this action while you are unconscious*
SMN: >_<
*you cannot perform this action while you are unconscious*
SMN: /linkshell /FUME!!!!!!!! stupid n00bs!!!
*you do not have a linkshell item equipped*
SMN: /cry (in real life)
*SMN respawns in Jeuno, switches to DRG, and flies back to kazham, this time making sure to set his home point*
DRG: Once again, I shall brave the jungle and this time I have the upper hand! Muahahahahahaha!
Goblin Smithy: Hey, buddy, you mind? I'm tryin to slaughter some n00bs here!
DRG: VILE BEAST, YOU SHALL NOT LIVE TO SEE THE LIGHT OF ANOTHER DAY!
*DRG summons Tatang and procedes to make Swiss Smithy*
Goblin Smithy>> Just you wait, I shall have my revenge... just give me 10 minutes to respawn, I'll have the whole jungle on your @$$ so fast, you won't know what hit you... except you will know what hit you... it will be the jungle that hits you!
DRG: Bah, silly goblins, trix are for galka!
/blist add Goblin Smithy
DRG: That solves that problem!
DRG: /sh fear not, I have slain the goblin, the entrance to Kazham is safe once again!
*another Goblin is trained to the zone*
*DRG makes goblin paste out of fresh goblin*
DRG: /sh once again, Kazham is safe
partyingn00b: /sh STFU, n00b! You is spamming my screan wit shout! You are black listed from the following linkshells: UsuckANDweDONT, UBERLEETSROCKYOURWORLD, and Ages15andBELOW
>>partyingn00b You can't blist me from linkshells you moron, you can only filter out what I say so you don't see it...
partyingn00b>> STFU, I blisted you 5 minutes ago you stupid n00b!
DRG: /em shakes head in disgust
DRG: Let's move along, Tatang, our work here is done.
Tatang: ...
*DRG continues to briskly walk among the trees, enjoying the scenery*
*DRG looks down at his hp bar and notices that it's half empty and falling*
DRG: WTF??? that's weird *turns around to see another Goblin Smithy attacking him*
DRG: WTF??? Why isn't it showing any damage on my log? How long has this thing been attacking me?
*DRG readies panta thrust*
*penta thrust is no longer usable since it got nerfed too badly. You lose your TP and are stunned for a very inconvenient amount of time...*
*goblin startd attacking Tatang*
DRG: Yes, go Tatang, show that goblin who'se it's daddy!
Tatang: ... *gives DRG a strange look*
*DRG is no longer stunned*
DRG: Yes, vengeance shall be mine!
*DRG finishes off the goblin with little trouble*
DRG: now why didn't I see any messages from being attacked... Waitaminute! *removes Goblin Smithy from blist* Stupid SEX piece of... wait... TATANG!!! YOU'RE INJURED!!!
DRG: poor Tatang, you got a booboo *hits macro*
DRG: TP@24% HP@56% Tatang@89%
DRG: this looks like a perfect time to test out my new skill
*DRG uses spirit link* *Tatang heals 50 HP*
DRG: hey that was prtty nifty!
*hits macro again*
DRG: TP@24% HP@35% Tatang@100%
DRG: WTH??? It took 400 of my HP to heal my wyvern by 50??? You cheap sonova- *the banshee hits DRG* *DRG takes 20 Damage*
DRG: WTF??? a Banshee in Yuhtunga?
Banshee: That's right, I'm that goblin you killed earlier! I respawned as a banshee and detected your low HP all the way from Qufim Island... Now I shall kill you!
DRG: Please, you are even weaker now than with your goblin self.
*DRG defeats Banshee with ease*
DRG: Stupid n00b mobs
DRG: my hp is getting low, I better rest up. *begins medding*
DRG: Man, this takes forever. I knew I should have subbed WHM... oh... wait, I did sub whm! *cures and gets mp back, and is ready for action once again*
DRG: Man, I'm getting hungry... I should have brought some of that yummy mithra-on-a-stick... mmmmmmm... mithra... *drools*
*is knocked by his senses by a strange fruit that dropped from a tree onto his head*
DRG: hmmm... this looks pretty good. I wonder if it's safe... Here Tatang, take a sniff, tell me if it's safe...
Tatang: ... *sniffs the fruit*
Tatang: ... ... ... ... ... *continues to hover, showing no reaction to the fruit*
DRG: Bah, you're worthless *eats the fruit*
DRG: Man, that was goooood! I've had enough of this, let's go for some tougher stuff! *procedes to Yhoator, leaving a swath of death and destruction in his wake*
DRG: Man, that was fun!... That food much have made me uber! I'm kinda feeling a bit funny though...
Tatang: You're looking a bit funny, too.
DRG: WTH??? Tatang, did you just talk?
Tatang: ... ... ...
DRG: heh I must be imagining things. Lets go kill some more stuff.
*DRG saves a few more parties from Goblin Smithies and pathfinders*
DRG: That's right, bask in my amazing glory and bow down before the almighty goblin destroyer who has saved you from these foul... uh... things...
anotherPTn00b: STFU n00b! You are killing all our mobs!
DRG: You are fighting onion heads...
anotherPTn00b: Yeah, but when you kill the goblins, it slows down the respawn of the mandras, you know how I know this? I know this because I heard a rumor from this guy I know who likes to mess with people's heads but he knows what he's tlaking about with this sort of thing and I know what I'm talking about because I heard it from this guy and he's never wrong I mean he's always right and you killing the goblins is killing my exp because you suck and you shouldnt even be subbing a mage job with melee and why are you even playing DRG anyways, its the suckiest job that ever sucked a suck, they suck more than-
DRG: ALL RIGHT, ENOUGH!!! JUST STFU BEFORE I BLIST YOU!!!
anotherPTn00b: ... ...
DRG: that's what I tho-
anotherPTn00b: OMG UR MOM!!! U SUCK!!!!!
/blist add anotherPTn00b
DRG: now that that's settled, lets get back to our fun, shall we Tatang?
Tatang: I love this show... *blank stare on face and tongue hanging out*
DRG: ... ... ... WTH??? ... ... ... anyway, moving right along, lets go kill some more goblins, they **** me off.
*DRG ventures deeper into the forest, wreaking havok wherever he goes*
DRG: Ah, to be superior! I scoff at your punyness, forest!
Tree: *tree grows a face* Scoff all you want, I shall feed off your body as it lays dead by my roots! *face disappears*
DRG: WTF?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!? Tatang, did you see that?
Tatang: It's just your imagination... it was nothing...
DRG: You really can talk, can't you Tatang?
Tatang: ...
DRG: awwwww c'mon, dont be shy about it now!
Tatang: ...
Tree: She's not gonna talk to you, loser.
DRG: All right, this is getting creepy now... oh! *gets a nice warm fuzzy feeling all over... the forest begins to blur in and out of focus and seems brighter and more colorful with every minute*
DRG: MAn.... I feel pretty good right now...
Tatang: You still look like $#!T
DRG: Hey man, I don't need you draggin me down like that! Lets go kill some more stuff... *stumbles along the path, wandering around aimlessly*
King Treant: WHO DARES DISTURB MY GROVE???
DRG: Man, I'm gettin the muchies pretty bad... how about you Tatang? ... Wait... King Treant? *tabs around till he sees "King Treant"
DRG: the king treant is a little sapling? LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
*King Treant readies allmightykingtreantpower*
DRG: I'm boned...
*King Treant uses allmightykingtreantpower on DRG*
*DRG is stunned, petrified, silenced, blinded, weighted, etc etc etc*
Wait, that attack seems familiar...
Tatang: Of course it does, that king treant is a new NM morebol they added in the last update... he's lvl 486.
DRG: 486??? How am I supposed to beat him??? And more importantly, why am I not dead yet? He should have killed me in half a hit...
Tatang: Because you still have the uberfruit food effect, you ******! Your level has been increased to 534...
DRG: oh... ... ... ... *laughs uncontrollably*
DRG: OK Mr TREE thingie, I'm gonna poke you good
*King Treant is defeated by DRG*
DRG: woooooooo I likked it... ROFL I sad likked insted of killdid
Tatang: ...
Goblin King>> GUESS WHO'SE BACK!!!!!!!!
Tatang: I love this show
DRG: Oooooooh if it isnt big bad Mr goblin again *waves hands in mock fear*
Goblin King: That's Right, and this time I am a lvl 666 UHNM (uber-high NM) and I have the ability to spam bomb toss like you used to spam penta Muahahahahahahaha
DRG: Did you say... lvl 666??? *craps his pants*
DRG: Did you say... spam... bomb... *craps pants again* I'm boned!
Goblin King: I come her to kill you... but you know what? I don't think I kill you... I kill... your Wyvern
DRG: *slow motion effects* NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
Goblin King: all right, all right, I'll just kill you and make your precious little wyvern disappear!
DRG: *slow motion effects* NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
Tatang: All right, DRG, you can cut that out now, it's getting kinda old...
DRG: *slow motion effects* NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
Tatang: >_< ...
*Goblin King procedes to beat the living crap out of DRG and Tatang*
DRG: I don't know how much more we can take, Tatang!
Goblin King: Say your prayers, Irishman! Muahahahahahaha *pulls out a bomb and aims it at DRG's head*
DRG: *slow motion effects* NOOOOOOOOOO-
Wyvern: I SAID KNOCK THAT OFF!!!
DRG: oh... sorry *DRG uses Super Jump*
Goblin King: Hey... where the heck did he go??? *bomb explodes in Goblin kings hand, killing it*
n00bTree: STFU N00B! If a goblin kills itself with a bomb in a forest, does anyone care? NO! So STFU, N00b! ... ... ... ... OMG UR MOM!!!
DRG: do do dooo dooo dooo do do doooooooooo
Tatang: *cough cough*
DRG: Oh no, Tatang!
Tatang: I'll be all right... just hang in there and stay strong, DRG. I'll come back to you soon.
DRG: NO! YOU CAN'T DIE ON ME YET, TATANG! *tries to use spirit link but it's too late*
DRG: *slow motion effects* NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
Lion: Hey, didn't Tatang tell you to quit doing that? It's really annoying and overdone.
DRG: O.O OMFG... LION!!!
Lion: WHERE? oh... yeah, yeah, yeah, I fall fro that every time.
DRG: ... ... *wiped a bit of drool from chin*
Lion: Hmm the strong, silent type, eh? Well, you obviously aren't too bright. Check your job ability list.
DRG: uhhhhhhh.... *drools*
Lion: Oh yeah, that's reeeeeal attractive
DRG: Sorry *^^* Okay, looking at job abilities...
Lion: no you're not, you're looking at my shirt...
DRG: Heh... oopsie *^^*... *checks job abilities*
DRG: OMG!
*DRG uses call wyvern*
DRG: TATANG! YOU'RE BACK! *dances happily with Tatang*
Tatang: well duh, we've only been in this stupid jungle for 5 hours.
Lion: Awwwwwwwww, look at the cute little blue rat...
Tatang: *glares* the b!Tc# has got to go!
*DRG uses dismiss*
Tatang: Hey! What are you doing??? *slow motion effects* NOOOOOOOOooooo-----...
DRG: Well then... what a coincidence... you... me... jungle...
Lion: Forget it. I'm into Mithra.
DRG: well, that's a coincidence... because I just happen to be a mithra trapped in an elvaan body... and I like hume girls with red hair...
Lion: *glares*
DRG: Did I say something wrong???
*Lion slaps the $#!T out of DRG, knocking him senseless for several hours*
*DRG wakes up with the taste of moss in his mouth and no idea how he got out into the jungle*
*DRG uses call Wyvern*
DRG: Man, that was one heckuvan adventure. I gotta get me some more of that fruit...
Tatang: ...
Edit: Ack! I forgot the obligatory head bangin into keyboard
bvbgbvgcnbvgf x There ya go, enjoy!
Edited, Wed May 5 14:41:13 2004 by CrazyIrishman