Kai and Stan go to Rehab vol.1Follow

From the author of 'What GM do in thier spare time comes a whole new series...


Kai and Stan go to Rehab

(Please listen to Afroman's 'Because I was high' song as you read the following)

I was gonna get my chocobo license, but then I got high
I was gonna get up and find my cents, But then I got high
I’m walking from Bastok to Sandy and I know why, (why man) 'cuz I got high
Because I got high
Because I got high

I was gonna go craftin’, before I got high
I coulda' cheated and I could be passin’, but I got high
I'm taking the test again and I know why, (why man) 'cuz I got high
Because I got high
Because I got high

I was gonna go level up, but then I got high
I just got a new level watsup, but I got high
Now I'm getting’ chased by ‘too weak to be worthwhile’ monsters and I know why, (why man) 'cuz I got high
Because I got high
Because I got high

I was gonna go dunes, before I got high
I was gonna go and help the noobs, but then I got high (No you weren't)
Now I’m getting annoyed, and I know why, (why man) 'cuz I got high,
Because I got high
Because I got high

I wasn't gonna run from the GM but I was high, (I'm serious man)
I was gonna pull over and talk to them, but I was high
Now I'm suspended, and I know why, (why man) 'cuz I got high
Because I got high
Because I got high

I was gonna pay my rent-a-room fare, until I got high
I wasn't gonna gamble in the fair, but then I got high
Now I’m living in the streets, and I know why, (why man) 'cuz I got high, because I got high, because I got high
Because I got high
Because I got high

I was gonna go farming, but then I got high, I'm serious
I was gonna get them caterpillars some harming, but then I got high
Now I’m standing LFG and I know why, 'cuz I got high, because I got high, because I got high

I messed up my entire life, because I got high
I lost my LS and friends , because I got high

Now I'm sleeping on the sidewalk, and I know why, (why man) 'cuz I got high, because I got high, because I got high

I'm gonna stop singing this song, because I'm high
I'm singing this whole thing wrong, because I'm high
And if I don't sell one copy I know why, (why man) 'cuz I'm high,
because I'm high, because I'm high

(Are you really high man?) (he really is high man!) get jiggy with it
O bring it back (say what say what oh, Because I'm high
Because I'm high, because I'm high

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(In a dark pub, people are smoking and drinking. Evil people are everywhere.)

<randomclubber1> Wow there sure are a lotta evil people around.
<evilperson1> Shaddup! Evil people only! Didn’t you read the sign!

(evilperson1 points to a sign on the door that reads: “You must be this (and next to it is a line that is 6 feet tall) evil to enter. No liquor will be sold a any person or persons under the evil level of 18.” )

<randomclubber1> Man I’m so sorry.

(<randomclubber1> exits)

<evilperson3> yo man lookit those evil dudes over there man.
<evilperson4> man they are evil! Lookit’em! They are E.V.I.L.!
<evilperson3> I think that only works when saying P.I.M.P dude
<evilperson4> yeah *** you!
<evilperson3> you know when you say evil more then 20 times in the same minute you start to wonder why evil is spelled that way. It just doesn’t make sense!!! AHHH!!!

(<evilperson3> runs out madly screaming)

<evilperson4> wow he’s gone out of his mind dude. I mean, there’s a limit to how evil you can get and man he’s passed that dude.
<evilperson7> anyways, those two guys in the corner. Man they are EVIL!! Look at them man! They are pimping with evil air!

<randomclubber2> STFU about evil!!

<evilperson7> yeah ***** him dude.
<evilperson4> I heard that they were so evil that they got to hang with Darth dude!!
<evilperson7> As in Darth Mobley?
<evilperson4> no… Darth Vader idiot.
<evilperson7> wow.
<evilperson4> yeah they were so evil that those two gave the evil eye to Darth Vader and he died!! OMFG!
<evilperson7> I KNOW!! Darth Vader! Man! He is like the pinnacle of evil!

(In a dark corner a man takes a sniff of C-grade Rocksalt and another man takes another shot of Apple Juice +1)

<Man1> Damnit lookit us. We’re just a bunch of losers taking drugs man. This sucks.
<Man2> I know. Back when life had meaning, you know, when we were playing pranks on the newbies –
<Man1> Lol, yeah remember that time we poked that level 5 guy and ran? Man that was awesome!
<Man2> Man we are such losers.
<Man1> Yeah that was all your idea. My idea was to go slay a dragon and put the head in the middle of the marketplace… but nnooo we hadta go poke that guy instead.

(Man1 and Man2 watch a TV commercial. Shows a beautiful and peaceful white building with happy music in the background. People are lounging on the open grassfields chatting happily with beautiful girls. There’s pizza and drinks everywhere, and people can get them freely.)

<Narrator1> Hi! I’m Kmartaru! Would you like to quit your bad habits?

(Man1 and Man2 nods)

<Narrator1> Then come to Kmartaru’s Rehabilitation center now-wow! Everything you wantaru!… and MORE!! Come now for a free hamburger specifically burgled for YOU! I don’taru know aboutaru you! But I sure do-woo!

(Taru Narrator flies out of the scene to join the happy crowd of people. Ad ends)

<Man1> Wow! Free burgers! Dude that sounds awesome man.
<Man2> Let’s quit this **** dude. The large black box that played music and had lots of tiny people in it didn’t tell us where to go though.
<Man1> Hey lookit those guys over there. They seem to be talking about us. Maybe they know where it is.

(two dark shadows appear behind <evilperson7> and <evilperson4>)

(Ominous Music)

Kai: Man that music sure is ominous
Stan: Yeah I know.
<evilperson7> Holy shizzle mah nizzle! Those are the two that evil-eyed Darth Vader! AHHH!!!
<evilperson4> RUNN!!!

Kai: Dude man chill out
Stan: Yeah dude, we’re just a buncha hillbillies trying to make our way you catch my drift?
<evilperson7> not really no…
Kai: Hillbillies? Wtf are you talking about dude? We’re on our way to rehab man. You’re nuts man.
Stan: ?? That’s what I said wasn’t it?
Kai: Man that rocksalt we sniffed earlier is really bombing me out dude
Stan: Rocksalt! Pffffftt… you didn’t even try the mithran booze yo. That **** will blow your mind.
Kai: Yeah anyway, we’ve decided to quit this shizzle and we’re on our way to the Hamburgler’s Rehabilitation Center. You wouldn’t happen ta know where it is do you?

<evilperson7> Actually I do.

Kai: Nice man!
Stan: SCORE 1 FOR US MAN!
Kai: Yeah ok, but wait up, I hafta finish pissing first.

(Kai zips his pants and theres a puddle of yellow on the table)

Kai: Alright, I’m ready dude.
<evilperson7> OMFG! He pissed on the table! That is so evil!!!
<evilperson4> Geez!

Kai: OK, so where is this Rehab. I heard theres a lotta nice stuff there. Like you can sniff rocksalt or drink booze or take some cinnabon rolls up your –
Stan: Too much info dude.
Kai: Sorry.

<evilperson7> Yeah ok, so we’re in a pub right now. And if you go outside and go to the Choc Stables –
Kai: Chocolate?
Stan: Nooo!! Chocolate lol, you’re so stupid dude. Choc stands for choke, as in chokehold which means – wait I dunno.
Kai: Wait let’s think this through….

(Kai and Stan start thinking)

Kai: nah, hurts too much.

<evilperson7> anyway, so we’re in bastok right now.
Kai: Bastok again! Why do all stories start in bastok! Damnit!
Stan: This sucks dude!

<evilperson7> Ok well from bastok you hafta register for a chocobo from the stables and take it to Sandy.

Kai: As in the beach?
Stan: NOO!! Stfu!

<evilperson7> And you’ll hafta ask dudes in Sandy cuz I’m too evil to tell you the rest.

(Kai takes out a basketball and throws it at <evilperson7> head)

Kai: We’re out!
Stan: Woot!

(Kai and Stan exit Pub. Enter into Port Bastok)

Stan: Wow dude where the hell did you get that basketball?
Kai: I dunno man, I just kinda pulled it out of my inventory.
Stan: wtf
Kai: Yeah. I can store all kinds of stuff in there and you can never see it!
Stan: Man I need ta get myself one of them inventories.

Kai: Ok so that evil dude said to go to the chocolate stibles right?
Stan: No I think he said to go to a beach or something.
Kai: No way! I swear I heard him say to go to a register to jack some cash or somtin.
Stan: yeah ok. Register…chocolate…stibles…beach…hmm…This is a really hard riddle dude.
Kai: Yeah. WAIT! I got it! The guy said to regulate a kibbles ‘n bits at the cocoa factory!
Stan: YEAH! Register at the chocobo stables in bastok and go to Sand’oria! That’s what he said! Man you’re so smart Kai.

(Kai and Stan enter stables)

Kai: Lookit the counter over there. Some kinda…old…

(Kai squints his eyes)

Kai: old.. woman or somtin.
Stan: Lets go over.

(<oldwoman> is reading a book)

Kai: Hello?
Stan: Hi we’re here to regulate kibbles?
Kai: He means we’re here to register.
Stan: …. She’s not responding.
Kai: HELLO?????!!!???

(Kai bangs the bell on the desk)

<ding>
<ding>
<ding>
<ding>
<ding>
<ding>
<ding>
<ding>
<ding>
<ding>

Kai: hello???
<Oldwoman> Hmm? Oh hi. You should’ve dinged the bell.
Stan: Yeah sorry dude. Man we shouda dinged the bell!
Kai: ??
<Oldwoman> What do you want?
Kai: We’ll tell you if you put that book down
<Oldwoman> It’s ok I’ll listen.

Stan: Ok we’re here to register for a chocobo stable so that we can get to Sand’oria. We’re above 18 years old so you don’t hafta worry about that. And also, we know about the no drinking juice and driving at the same time.

<Oldwoman> What? Sorry. I wanted to finish the paragraph.

Kai: OMFG!
Stan: Ok we’re here to register for a chocobo stable so that we can get to Sand’oria. We’re above 18 years old so you don’t hafta worry about that. And also, we know about the no drinking juice and driving at the same time.

<Oldwoman> Right..ok well just tell your names to me.

Kai: Kai.

<Oldwoman> Is that K as in kohlrabi, A as in aardvark and I as in interregnum?
Kai: Say WHAT?
<Oldwoman> I take that as a yes. And you sir.
Stan: I’m Stan.
<Oldwoman> Is that S as in sequestrate, T as in toucan, A as in aardvark and N as is Nigerian tiger?
Stan: Erm… not ..sure. Wait, aardva what? I got confused after that.

<Oldwoman> I take that as a yes. Let me check the mogputer.


(Time passes)

<Oldwoman> Sorry, the mogputer has no records of you two being above 18 years old.

Kai: Can you check again? I swear I registered.

<Oldwoman> Ok what was your name again?
Kai: Kai
<Oldwoman> Is that Is that K as in kohlrabi, A as-
Kai: YES!!!
<Oldwoman> Okok, no need to get all worked up, jeez.

(Time passes)

<Oldwoman> Sorry, no records still. But you know… if only I could get a ‘lil juice.. if you catch my drift… your names just might appear on the list all of a sudden…

Kai(to Stan): She means she wants money?
Stan(to Kai): I guess
Kai(to Stan): We ain’t got none though.
Stan(to Kai): Let’s just bust some joint dude.

Kai: Ok we’re in.

(NEW QUEST! ‘ROB THE BANK!’ flashes across the screen)

Kai(like Arnold swarrzaneraswarazanegger): I’ll be bak.


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Please post comments! :)

Edited, Tue Mar 22 04:30:02 2005 by Alacer

That's some good stuff as usual Alacer. I look forward to reading what else happens to these stoned out Mofos.

Thanks Questionman,

Glad to know that this thread hasn't died yet.

Volume 3

(At the Bastok Institute for the Justice Impaired)

<prisoner1> Haaaeelp meeeee!! I've been stuck 'ere fer five weeks! Altana help me!
<prisoner3> mother ****** noobs! I didn't train no group of gobs yo!
<prisoner6> He. hehe. heheheheheheheheh. *cackles crazily* heheheh. he. he. he. he. he. hehehe.

Kai: Wow these guys are crazy.

<GMSherrif> In you go you crime-doers

Kai: Go eat a donut you godamn GM
<GMSherrif>: What did you say?

Stan: He SAID that your mother was toast, and not the light buttery kind, nay, she was the kind that's been charred and blackened in the bottom of the toaster and has to be thrown away because no matter how much of the burnt part you scrape off with a knife, there's always more blackened toast beneath, the kind that not even starving birds in winter will eat, that kind of toast.
Oh yeah! You just go P - O - Owned ************.

<GMSherrif>: Your fat *** is going straight to isolation.

Kai: I don't think you should use the term fat. It's demeaning. A better term is horizontally challenged or a person of substance.

<GMSherrif>: Your face is horizontally challenged! Mr. Stan, you're coming with me!

Stan: AH! Don't let them take me! OH GOD OH GOD! I'm being taken away exactly the way a bumblebee who is also getting taken away, is taken away!

Kai: wtf?

(Stan is thrown into the Isolation Cell)

Stan: Wow sure is dark in here. I can't even see my own hand. OH GOD! OH GOD OH GOD! I CANT SEE MY HAND! MY HAND! AHHHHH!!!!! Phew. There it is. If I concentrate real hard i can see anything! whow! Look its Fonzi! yeah, oh wait sorry i forgot to introduce myself. Hi I'm krusty the klown and this is my friend hermit the crab.

(Stan puts his hand into the shape of a mouth and "talks through it")

StansHand: Hi i'm hermit the crab. And this is my friend Stan. On mondays I like to go find my friend hermies the dolphin. he's pretty cool. On tuesdays I like to goto the beach and find shells to hide in since i'm a crab and all you know and since I'm a crab i also like to go to the beach on wednesdays and collect shells you know since i'm a crab and all and then i go a level up on tuesdays and guess where i level up yup thats right the beach oh yeah didnt expect that did ya did ya did ya did ya know that i go to the beach on thursdays too yeah thursdays and can you guess what i do at the beach booyah unexpected huh yup thats right i'm collecting shells it is like totally fun and stuff you should try it too sometime yeah well next up is bam bam bam bam bam fridayyyyyy oh man thats like my favorite day its like man so fun thats the day where shell collecting is at its highest yo thats like the highlight of the week friday bam righ there if your face p-o-owned man thats like my favorite phrase now man am i babbling seems like i'm talking alot yeah this is really strange i am really strange anywayz after friday is sunday wait no its saturday man thats like my favorite day i go and collect shells and stuff and yeah thats like my favorite day and yeah i like it real bad and after saturday is sunday where i go and make love to the most beautiful woman on earth yeah thats just an average day nothing compared to collecting shells you know what i mean


(Suddenly a hand in the shape of a mouth creeps up behind Stan and starts talking)

<Hand1> Hey there junior

StansHand: Oh high there mate. My names hermit the crab. Didn't see you there. It's kinda dark. In fact I can't even see my own hand hahahahahahahaha *abrupt stop* anyways whats your name haahahahhaha *abrupt stop*

<Hand1> My names Cyan but you can call me Gulf Hotel of Bahrain if you want.

StansHand: Wow you know what we've never met before just like two hummingbirds who have also never met before.

*<GulfHotelOfBahrain>'s hand nods approvingly*

<GulfHotelOfBahrain'sHand>: Man you're a clever one. I never thought of things that way before.

StansHand: You know what my life ambition is?

<GulfHotelOfBahrain'sHand>: Well mine is to write childrens books.

StansHand: OMFG! Really! I have the same thing! omg!

(Hands nod excitedly)

<GulfHotelOfBahrain'sHand>: I already got like a whole list of books that i bet could sell real damn well!

StansHand: I got some myself. Whats urs?

<GulfHotelOfBahrain'sHand>:

- "The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead"

- "What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"

- "Daffy Duck's Head Finally Gets Blown Off by the Hunter"

- "Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia "

- "If Christopher Reeve Can Fly So Can You"

- "Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book"

- "Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games"

- "101 Ways To Stick Your Finger Into The Fan"

StanHand: I got some great ones too! I was thinking of doing remakes of Curious George.

- "Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence"

- "Bi-Curious George"

- "Curious George goes to the Construction Site and meets Mr. Chainsaw and other great friends"

- "Curious George Can't Take It Anymore and Jumps Through the Window"

<GulfHotelOfBahrain'sHand>: Awesomeeeee

StansHand: Anyways is there anything to do in this place?

<GulfHotelOfBahrain'sHand>: Easiest thing in the world mate. Theres whole loads of fun things ta do in this here hole.

*StansHand nods excitedly*

<GulfHotelOfBahrain'sHand>: But first lets get out of this isolation cell. The guards been standing there with the door open for the last 30 minutes.

*<GulfHotelOfBahrain'sHand> points at the guard*

(Guard looks completely terrified of the two psychos talking with hands)

(Scene switches to Kai at the canteen)

Kai: Man I'm all alone.
<Thug6> Yo get out of the gangSTA's way.
<gangSTA> Look here newbie, i'm the boss around this here parts. And if you don't like it you can suck the two tatoos of breasts on my left armpit.

(<gangSTA> raises his arms and shows off his tatoo)

<Thug8> Aw man that was GANGsta!
<gangSTA> Ok lets roll guys!

(Thugs roll)

<gangSTA> now lets roll out!

(Thugs curl up into a ball and roll away in unison)

Kai: .......

<CanteenWoman> (in annoyed monotone voice): whaddya want.

Kai: Umm, whats the choices.

<CanteenWoman> (in annoyed monotone voice):

Appetizers: Hot sauce salad in curry sauce.
Main course: Spicy Sausage fully dipped in tabasco sauce with notsochilly peppers at the side
Desert: A full gallon of raw tabasco sauce, comes with red peppers if you wish.
for ONLY 19.99 a meal!!

Kai: wow seems kinda spicy. ***** it.

(Kai walks away)

(Stan and <GulfHotelOfBahrain> walk in)

Kai: Stan!!
Stan: Kai!
<GulfHotelOfBahrain>: Gulf Hotel of Bahrain!

Kai: Who is this guy?
Stan: I met him in the Isolation Cell! He's awesome! We're both children story writers.
<GulfHotelOfBahrain>: Hi! Nice to meet you my names Cyan, but you can call me Gulf Hotel of Bahrain.
Kai: Well nice to meet ya Cyan.
<GulfHotelOfBahrain>: Call me Gulf Hotel of Bahrain.
Kai: Yeah shuttup you dirty old man.
<GulfHotelOfBahrain>: I'd prefer if you called me a sexually focused chronilogically gifted individual.
Kai: ....

Stan: Anyways, do you guys have any idea how to get out of this place?
Cyan: Easiest thing in the world. Just a simple operation that involves a wall, a spoon and a lot of digging...if you catch my drift.
Kai: I was thinking more like swab the guards security card and just walk through the front door.

Cyan: The last time someone did that they got raped by bi-curious George.

*Shudder*

Kai: Any other ideas?
StansHand: Hi Hermit the Crab is back again. I think that the most strategic way to get out of this is this... you know how there's these boats in these glass bottles that people send out to save them?

Kai: ....yes... and why are you talking out of your hand?

StansHand: Well all we hafta do is shrink ourself and get onto the boat in the glass bottle and then we hire someone to launch us above the wall! Isn't it great?

Kai: ....yes.. but I was thinking of something a little less... uh.. complicated.

Cyan: OH OH! I got a solution-lution!

Kai: Dude you're not a taru.

Cyan: Well you wanna here it or not?

Kai: Fine let's here it.

Cyan: Well here's the solution-lution...

I thought that they were brilliant... especially bi-curious george...

rate up!

i was wonder when the new story would surface. we even got a cameo for the last story. keep at it

waiting for volume 4. keep up the good work

Hmm Shameless 5month bump waiting for the next volume from my fav author!

Excellent stories as always ^-^

Quote:

What does STFU mean?

"Shut The F[white]uck up"

Sorry but you can't do that yet:
must be 3.01 or higher (scholar status) and must have atleast 15 posts.

~sarah~
[/white]

Great story line, this reminds me of Bill and Ted's (w/e) both of the movies. lol Keep them coming, why you gotta do cliffhangers >.< peace out g2g