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SpinShark's Guide to Allakhazam Poster TypesFollow

#1 Oct 12 2005 at 1:45 PM Rating: Decent
At any given time on the cesspool side of the Allakhazam website, otherwise known as the "Forums of Ubiquitous Stupidity," there are several hundred people perusing the various threads.

If you're new here, you may find yourself curious about what type of people post here. You logically wish to know this in the hope that you'll understand the type of discourse you can expect to find, and whether you wish to participate or not.

Well, you no longer need to try to figure this out for yourself, because I am here to bring this information to light for your benefit.

Before I begin, there's something that needs to be clarified. You'll notice that by certain posters' names, there is a rank. From lowest to highest, these are scholar, sage, and guru. This supposedly tells us how useful a person's posts are.

In reality, for the vast majority of cases, these ranks are directly proportional to the amount of pandering or sucking up done by the poster. Also, many people who wished to achieve rank as a perceived ticket to instant respect and worth have followed my rate-up guide.

With that out of the way, let's move on to the actual types of posters that reside here.

Disclaimer: pretty much everyone here suffers from a disease known as rectal-cranial inversion. It is pandemic, and you are advised to stop reading as soon as you begin to feel/see signs of brain cell necrosis.

Symptoms of this include:

1. Excessive stupidity-induced infuriation.
2. Bleeding retinas.
3. Difficulty forming rational thought
4. An uncontrollable urge to be as Japanese as possible

Symptoms 3 and 4 can be confused as rectal-cranial inversion, as the symptoms for brain cell necrosis are the same. Becoming afflicted with RCI is possible after viewing this forum for too long a period of time.
----------------------------------------------------------------

POSTER TYPES

Japanophile: This is one of the most copious poster types. These sexless nerds will defend anything and everything that is japanese. Their only concern in life is working on the most efficient method of watching as much anime in a 24 hour period as possible while still fitting in FFXI and making cosplay costumes.

These are the type of people who will kneejerk react to anything negative said about the Japanese, while wearing an Inuyasha wig of course.

Example conversation:

Normal poster It's amazing how many japanese people hate NA players and bot-monopolize NMs.

Japanophile THE NA HAVE JUST AS MANY BOTS AS THE JP. THE JP DON'T USE BOTS AT ALL. YOU DIDN'T NOTICE THAT i JUST CONTRADICTED MYSELF. YOU'RE RACIST, AND MY GIRLFRIEND IS JAPANESE WHICH MAKES ME MORE JAPANESE BY DEFAULT, AND I HAVE A BETTER UNDERSTANDING OF THESE THINGS THAN YOU BECAUSE OF THAT. GO GOKU!!!!
----------------

Facetious 1337 speaker: These are the as[/i]sholes that always come into threads to show how "internet cultured" they are because they know what "1337 speak" is. Never mind that a good quarter of the forum does this crap; nobody will suspect you got it from one of them, right moron? In addition, Not even the most retarded of people say the sh[i]it that they pretend "stupid" people do.

They'll commonly try to portray an unpopular poster as an idiot by reposting their post into an abbreviated 1337 form. Of course, nobody would ever look at them as just another internet nerd because they're making fun of 1337 speak. Right? RIGHT?!

Example conversation:

Normal poster I'm upset at the constant server downtime! Come on SE!

Facetious 1337 speaker SHUT UP OP!! Oh noez!!11111 OMFGWTFBBQ I R up$3t at t3h s3rver d0wnt1m3!!1111111 Wah l00k at m3h wh1n3 0n All4. That's what you sound like OP, no matter how reasonable your actual post was. I'm not a dumb n3rd like you, LOLOLOLLOL.

--------------------

Karma bitc[/i]her: This thing will complain at the slightest rate-down. its rate-down is always because of "trolling by karma trolls." Many times, it will make a special edit just to let the world know that it was rated down. Its entire sense of worth is derived from a number on an anonymous internet message board. This makes sense considering these people are always failures in the real world. After complaining incessantly, it will return to its job of deep-frying chicken and/or stocking shelves.

Example post:

Karma bit[i]
cher So, In closing, I propose that the world convert to communism and we all bow down to our dark lord Satan.

EDIT: OMFG I was rated down! The trolls are out in force again I see. There was absolutely nothing wrong with my post at all.

EDIT 2: WOW, JUST WOW, my overall karma just dropped .1 because of this post. I hope you're happy trolls. You trolled me for no good reason you trolls you.

----------
The suck-up Similar to the Karma bi[/i]tcher, this thing's worth comes from karma. It will do everything in its power to be as sycophantic as possible, no matter how nauseating. Its personal motto is, "anything for a rate-up."

Example post:

The Suck-up: Yeah, you're so right man, you're a sage after all! LOL! So, what other opinions do you have, because I'd like to adopt them as my own? You know, I want to get sloppy-second rate-ups. So, you want some fellatio?
--------------------------

The 12-year old expert: The 12 year old expert will throw his inexperienced opinion around as often as he can before his mom tells him it's bedtime. You'd best not argue with this type of poster, because he knows everything. Haven't hit puberty yet? Don't worry, the 12 year old expert hasn't either, but he'll tell you all about it anyway. A perfect example of this type of poster is erawyn or however you spell it.

Example post:

Normal poster: Yeah, I'm really not sure why people consider the windower a cheat.

12-year old expertOMFG, don't you know that the only way to run hacks is with windower? I should know this because I've hacked the gibson more times than I can count. Oops, mom says I need to brush my teeth; I'll be back to finish this post in a minute.
------------------

Pedantic rulebook fiend: You'll know this poster when you see 50 references to the POL user agreement and the FFXI terms of service in any given post. He believes that he wins all arguments concerning third-party programs and cheats because, after all, he has the moral upper hand due to the rules favoring his position, right? They'll ignore the fact that they came up with all of their said opinions based on the rules alone, for the sake of expediency.

example post:

Normal poster: I don't think using the windower is wrong.

Pedantic rulebook expert: The windower is wrong because IT VIOLATES THE POL USER AGREEMENT and the TOS!!1
More specifically rule 4399 of clause 12 explicity says that it is against the rules so you are a terrible human being for using it, heathen.
-------------

Compulsive snitch: This person will hunt down any post that could possibly be construed as offensive, and then proceed to make their merry way to the feedback forum to bit[i]
ch about it. The best way to see one of these is to wait for me to post anything at all, and then go see the 20 complaint threads that it spawns. Many times, they'll post complaints because of personal vendettas, and not the content itself.

example post:

Compulsive snitch: Well, I have a complaint admins. If you don't ban this person, I'm leaving the site for good. The poster wrote: "Get Out Of Kathmandu." As you can see, the first letter in each of these words is deliberately sequential in order to surreptitiously spell out the word "****." This is a hate crime.

----------------------------------------

This is just an abbreviated list. There will be more to come whenever I feel like it.

Edited, Wed Oct 12 16:44:39 2005 by SpinShark

Edited, Thu Oct 13 18:59:59 2005 by Railus
#2 Oct 12 2005 at 1:55 PM Rating: Good
*****
10,755 posts
Forgetting an important one...


I Don't Care Troll: This troll is easily characterized by the excessive amount of ******** posted. Although he spends more time than any other poster on any board, he will quickly retort with "I don't care, you're the ones who are the losers". Making his self-worth directly reliant upon the amount of not-caring he does, posts can be very long and well thought out.

Example Post: You guys are all losers. I will now spend the next 4 hours of my life telling you all how big of a loser you actually are!!1! But I don't care enough to post more than a coupel thousand words. Losers.


OMFG I was rated down! The trolls are out in force again I see. There was absolutely nothing wrong with my post at all.

Edited, Wed Oct 12 15:27:22 2005 by NephthysWanderer
#3 Oct 12 2005 at 1:58 PM Rating: Decent
**
496 posts
/em looks out the window to check for rains of fire, streets flowing with blood, etc.

wow. i actually found a spinshark post funny. what is this world coming to?
#4 Oct 12 2005 at 2:08 PM Rating: Decent
***
1,674 posts
acinonyxseraph wrote:
/em looks out the window to check for rains of fire, streets flowing with blood, etc.

wow. i actually found a spinshark post funny. what is this world coming to?


Don't forget, he used lots of coloring, paragraphs, and other flashy things in his guide. And on these forums, that always means a rate-up.
#5 Oct 12 2005 at 2:09 PM Rating: Decent
***
1,162 posts
I was gonna ask under which category you fall spin but Neph fixed it for you.



#6 Oct 12 2005 at 2:17 PM Rating: Decent
haha Awesome...

wait for it...

almost...

Here we go...

---> If I could rate you up I would! <---
#7 Oct 12 2005 at 2:23 PM Rating: Default
I see nephajhkaj is still upset I bashed his beloved asylum.

Quote:
I will now spend the next 4 hours of my life telling you


Try 10-15 minutes tops. Not everyone is a complete ****** and unable to write something over 2 paragraphs in a reasonable amount of time.

Quote:
"I don't care, you're the ones who are the losers"


When have I ever used this as a defense? Link me to an example.

Quote:
Although he spends more time than any other poster on any board


I rarely ever read this board, and post even less.

I'm afraid your characterization of myself falls flat.

Anyway, don't you have some more 1337 poster fellation to do in the asylum? What are you doing over here? you have a reputation to uphold!

#8 Oct 12 2005 at 2:29 PM Rating: Good
***
1,780 posts
Haha, this one was actually pretty good, Spin.

*gives SpinShark a totally-macho-and-not-gay slap on the ****

You forgot Xylia's type though. You know, the type of poster who makes nothing but happy, everything's-fine-and-dandy, way-to-go-SE posts just to farm for rate-ups for being positive.
#9 Oct 12 2005 at 2:30 PM Rating: Decent
*****
10,755 posts
I own you spin.
#10 Oct 12 2005 at 2:31 PM Rating: Decent
***
1,170 posts
Hm, not bad, not bad at all. Much better than your recent random trolling posts. I'll give you 8/10 for this:

Quote:
Karma ******* So, In closing, I propose that the world convert to communism and we all bow down to our dark lord Satan.

EDIT: OMFG I was rated down! The trolls are out in force again I see. There was absolutely nothing wrong with my post at all.

EDIT 2: WOW, JUST WOW, my overall karma just dropped .1 because of this post. I hope you're happy trolls. You trolled me for no good reason you trolls you.


and for a decent counter to a flame against you.
#11 Oct 12 2005 at 2:35 PM Rating: Decent
***
1,099 posts
huh? How can you stick people into a category like that? Its indeed very wrong. Every person has their own views and opinions and should not be mocked for them, as adults we have the influence of choice and descretion as to wether or not we respond to a post in a certain way.

One person expressing the opinion on e.g. Windower, is not another persons opnion, its shades of grey vs black and white. Some people typing in "elite speak", sure it can be tiring trying to decipher it, and yes, its very last century, but people still do it.

So in closing, whilst you are entitled to your opinion of other people, adult discretion would dictate you bite your tongue, and not start a post trying to put many people into one catagory.
#12 Oct 12 2005 at 2:42 PM Rating: Decent
NephthysWanderer the Charming wrote:
I own you spin.


Which hole do you have? He's bending over for me.
#13 Oct 12 2005 at 2:44 PM Rating: Decent
*****
10,755 posts
Toothless gums FTW
#14 Oct 12 2005 at 2:47 PM Rating: Good
***
1,674 posts
NephthysWanderer the Charming wrote:
Toothless gums FTW


Like this?
#15 Oct 12 2005 at 3:01 PM Rating: Good
**
409 posts
heh after an extraordinarily bad week, this gave me a good laugh.

Thankyou.
#16 Oct 12 2005 at 3:01 PM Rating: Good
***
2,915 posts
Quote:
You know, the type of poster who makes nothing but happy, everything's-fine-and-dandy, way-to-go-SE posts just to farm for rate-ups for being positive.


I think that would fall somewhere under the suck-up

Quote:
wow. i actually found a spinshark post funny. what is this world coming to?


I thought the same thing.

Althought funny or not, I can always count on spin for an interesting read at the least.
#17REDACTED, Posted: Oct 12 2005 at 7:38 PM, Rating: Sub-Default, (Expand Post) You forgot a type of poster Spin.
#18 Oct 12 2005 at 7:48 PM Rating: Good
Oh, hey, wow...

It's a definitive guide to the same tired crap you've been spewing for months. Fascinating.


Really.

I think you forgot one, though:

The Tiresome Whiner.

Due to the lack of any personal effectiveness or charisma, the Tiresome Whiner will frequently troll an otherwise amiable board in order to collect what little attention he's lucky enough to get. Since he has no valid or intelligent points to make, the T.W. is likely to rack his little brain for the most offensive or flameworthy topics he can think of, frequently without regard to legibility or relevance.
The Tiresome Whiner lacks social skill and the ability to think in original terms, specifically to devise options and alternatives to wasting space on message boards. Due to its uninteresting plumage and large mouth (making of the T.W. a very easy target), overhunting and ratedowns have made this a thankfully endangered species.

Might want to add that one in.


Quote:
[Edit] I got rateozered d0wn!! Oh no3s, wha7 ev34 wil1 i d0 n0w?!


And then there's you, you little as[/b]sh[b]at. I guess even a tiresome whiner needs a sidekick.

Edited, Wed Oct 12 21:11:23 2005 by Sioux
#19 Oct 12 2005 at 8:00 PM Rating: Decent
*
218 posts
I actually thought this was funny... :)
#20REDACTED, Posted: Oct 12 2005 at 8:04 PM, Rating: Sub-Default, (Expand Post) Sidekick? We all know you are a sock from spinshark.
#21 Oct 12 2005 at 8:18 PM Rating: Decent
Ya know, this is actually quite interesting, because for the most part it's all true.

I'm not entirely sure which section I belong to though.

Probably "Normal Poster" I guess. Although many would probably disagree.

Quote:
And then there's you, you little asshat. I guess even a tiresome whiner needs a sidekick.


Hehehe.

Quote:
Sidekick? We all know you are a sock from spinshark.


You're... just... not... funny.

Stop trying, it's getting embarrassing now.
#22 Oct 12 2005 at 10:21 PM Rating: Decent
It's funny how he put this here, and not in a forum where he would be quickly raked for it. I guess he knew that FFXI posters are widely easy to impress with bright colors. This must be the reasoning behind his repeated posting on non-FFXI-related subjects here. And I do so mean the following entendre.

That, or he'll put anything anywhere for as much attention possible, hmm?
#23 Oct 12 2005 at 11:53 PM Rating: Decent
***
1,978 posts
I'll start with:

I've had a couple of conflicts in the past with Spinshark, I admit it. Nothing personal.

Now onward to my post:

I found this particular thread very funny, no one can absolutely say they don't fit in any of the aforementioned categories. The point is, I will step forward, and try to figure out on which of the above descriptions I fit better, or make a new one, just for me and people like myself.

The overcautious poster: This particular poster type will always avoid posting on flamethreads, or taking sides on very sensitive issues and pretend being neutral all day long. They also try as much as possible not to point other people's defects, or their mistakes, making it seem they are the most objective people alive.

Normal poster: I think poster "X" is wrong for reason "A", and poster "Y" is correct because of "B".

The overcautious poster: All posters can each have a personal opinion, because they are free to do so. Peace, brothers and sisters!

Sincerely,

Valiarius-BST-Siren Server

P.S. All posters can each have a personal opinion, because they are free to do so. Peace, brothers and sisters!

#24 Oct 13 2005 at 12:56 AM Rating: Good
*
190 posts
Quote:
By: SpinShark
615 posts

Quote:
Although he spends more time than any other poster on any board

By: NephthysWanderer the Charming
4863 posts
Now that's funny :D
#25 Oct 13 2005 at 1:02 AM Rating: Good
***
2,405 posts
Quote:
Disclaimer: pretty much everyone here suffers from a disease known as rectal-cranial inversion. It is pandemic, and you are advised to stop reading as soon as you begin to feel/see signs of brain cell necrosis.

Symptoms of this include:

1. Excessive stupidity-induced infuriation.
2. Bleeding retinas.
3. Difficulty forming rational thought
4. An uncontrollable urge to be as Japanese as possible

Symptoms 3 and 4 can be confused as rectal-cranial inversion, as the symptoms for brain cell necrosis are the same. Becoming afflicted with RCI is possible after viewing this forum for too long a period of time.


Quote:
By: SpinShark

615 posts


I found that more funny, really.
#26 Oct 13 2005 at 1:19 AM Rating: Default
unlike some people i have a sense of humor and find most of spins threads funny. he reminds me of carlos mencia in the fact he says what we all think but wont say for fear of being critisized by others. in essence spin is useing our right of free speach that most of us say we have but dont alow our selves to use. so next time when you try to critisize a joke remember one thing. ITS A JOKE its not meant to be taken seriously and if you take it seriously then your exactly what he talks about. so read it get a quick laugh move on i mean if these people hes talkin about dont exist then why cry about it. prime example is when the taco bell dog was taken off tv becuz ****** hispanics looked at the dog and said "HEYY THAATS MEEEEEE" now im hispanic my self and thought it was funny as **** but then you have the over sensitive people who take it seriously. and guess what no more taco bell dog. now where stuck with watching there lame *** "ill leave what ever kick a$$ thing im doing to go eat a border bowl". so over sensitivity leads to over censorship so we end up basicly giveing up the right for free speach in the process. now sorry i made a long *** post just had to get that off my chest and rate me down all you want it only proves his and my point.

edit:typo

Edited, Thu Oct 13 02:27:05 2005 by wahatahhaking
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