At any given time on the cesspool side of the Allakhazam website, otherwise known as the "Forums of Ubiquitous Stupidity," there are several hundred people perusing the various threads.
If you're new here, you may find yourself curious about what type of people post here. You logically wish to know this in the hope that you'll understand the type of discourse you can expect to find, and whether you wish to participate or not.
Well, you no longer need to try to figure this out for yourself, because I am here to bring this information to light for your benefit.
Before I begin, there's something that needs to be clarified. You'll notice that by certain posters' names, there is a rank. From lowest to highest, these are scholar, sage, and guru. This supposedly tells us how useful a person's posts are.
In reality, for the vast majority of cases, these ranks are directly proportional to the amount of pandering or sucking up done by the poster. Also, many people who wished to achieve rank as a perceived ticket to instant respect and worth have followed my rate-up guide.
With that out of the way, let's move on to the actual types of posters that reside here.
Disclaimer: pretty much everyone here suffers from a disease known as rectal-cranial inversion. It is pandemic, and you are advised to stop reading as soon as you begin to feel/see signs of brain cell necrosis.
Symptoms of this include:
1. Excessive stupidity-induced infuriation.
2. Bleeding retinas.
3. Difficulty forming rational thought
4. An uncontrollable urge to be as Japanese as possible
Symptoms 3 and 4 can be confused as rectal-cranial inversion, as the symptoms for brain cell necrosis are the same. Becoming afflicted with RCI is possible after viewing this forum for too long a period of time.
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POSTER TYPES
Japanophile: This is one of the most copious poster types. These sexless nerds will defend anything and everything that is japanese. Their only concern in life is working on the most efficient method of watching as much anime in a 24 hour period as possible while still fitting in FFXI and making cosplay costumes.
These are the type of people who will kneejerk react to anything negative said about the Japanese, while wearing an Inuyasha wig of course.
Example conversation:
Normal poster It's amazing how many japanese people hate NA players and bot-monopolize NMs.
Japanophile THE NA HAVE JUST AS MANY BOTS AS THE JP. THE JP DON'T USE BOTS AT ALL. YOU DIDN'T NOTICE THAT i JUST CONTRADICTED MYSELF. YOU'RE RACIST, AND MY GIRLFRIEND IS JAPANESE WHICH MAKES ME MORE JAPANESE BY DEFAULT, AND I HAVE A BETTER UNDERSTANDING OF THESE THINGS THAN YOU BECAUSE OF THAT. GO GOKU!!!!
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Facetious 1337 speaker: These are the as[/i]sholes that always come into threads to show how "internet cultured" they are because they know what "1337 speak" is. Never mind that a good quarter of the forum does this crap; nobody will suspect you got it from one of them, right moron? In addition, Not even the most retarded of people say the sh[i]it that they pretend "stupid" people do.
They'll commonly try to portray an unpopular poster as an idiot by reposting their post into an abbreviated 1337 form. Of course, nobody would ever look at them as just another internet nerd because they're making fun of 1337 speak. Right? RIGHT?!
Example conversation:
Normal poster I'm upset at the constant server downtime! Come on SE!
Facetious 1337 speaker SHUT UP OP!! Oh noez!!11111 OMFGWTFBBQ I R up$3t at t3h s3rver d0wnt1m3!!1111111 Wah l00k at m3h wh1n3 0n All4. That's what you sound like OP, no matter how reasonable your actual post was. I'm not a dumb n3rd like you, LOLOLOLLOL.
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Karma bitc[/i]her: This thing will complain at the slightest rate-down. its rate-down is always because of "trolling by karma trolls." Many times, it will make a special edit just to let the world know that it was rated down. Its entire sense of worth is derived from a number on an anonymous internet message board. This makes sense considering these people are always failures in the real world. After complaining incessantly, it will return to its job of deep-frying chicken and/or stocking shelves.
Example post:
Karma bit[i]cher So, In closing, I propose that the world convert to communism and we all bow down to our dark lord Satan.
EDIT: OMFG I was rated down! The trolls are out in force again I see. There was absolutely nothing wrong with my post at all.
EDIT 2: WOW, JUST WOW, my overall karma just dropped .1 because of this post. I hope you're happy trolls. You trolled me for no good reason you trolls you.
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The suck-up Similar to the Karma bi[/i]tcher, this thing's worth comes from karma. It will do everything in its power to be as sycophantic as possible, no matter how nauseating. Its personal motto is, "anything for a rate-up."
Example post:
The Suck-up: Yeah, you're so right man, you're a sage after all! LOL! So, what other opinions do you have, because I'd like to adopt them as my own? You know, I want to get sloppy-second rate-ups. So, you want some fellatio?
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The 12-year old expert: The 12 year old expert will throw his inexperienced opinion around as often as he can before his mom tells him it's bedtime. You'd best not argue with this type of poster, because he knows everything. Haven't hit puberty yet? Don't worry, the 12 year old expert hasn't either, but he'll tell you all about it anyway. A perfect example of this type of poster is erawyn or however you spell it.
Example post:
Normal poster: Yeah, I'm really not sure why people consider the windower a cheat.
12-year old expertOMFG, don't you know that the only way to run hacks is with windower? I should know this because I've hacked the gibson more times than I can count. Oops, mom says I need to brush my teeth; I'll be back to finish this post in a minute.
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Pedantic rulebook fiend: You'll know this poster when you see 50 references to the POL user agreement and the FFXI terms of service in any given post. He believes that he wins all arguments concerning third-party programs and cheats because, after all, he has the moral upper hand due to the rules favoring his position, right? They'll ignore the fact that they came up with all of their said opinions based on the rules alone, for the sake of expediency.
example post:
Normal poster: I don't think using the windower is wrong.
Pedantic rulebook expert: The windower is wrong because IT VIOLATES THE POL USER AGREEMENT and the TOS!!1
More specifically rule 4399 of clause 12 explicity says that it is against the rules so you are a terrible human being for using it, heathen.
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Compulsive snitch: This person will hunt down any post that could possibly be construed as offensive, and then proceed to make their merry way to the feedback forum to bit[i]ch about it. The best way to see one of these is to wait for me to post anything at all, and then go see the 20 complaint threads that it spawns. Many times, they'll post complaints because of personal vendettas, and not the content itself.
example post:
Compulsive snitch: Well, I have a complaint admins. If you don't ban this person, I'm leaving the site for good. The poster wrote: "Get Out Of Kathmandu." As you can see, the first letter in each of these words is deliberately sequential in order to surreptitiously spell out the word "****." This is a hate crime.
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This is just an abbreviated list. There will be more to come whenever I feel like it.
Edited, Wed Oct 12 16:44:39 2005 by SpinShark
Edited, Thu Oct 13 18:59:59 2005 by Railus