Busting my Bum at Boot CampFollow

I think it's high time for a story.

As some of you know I'm in the Navy.

Just like every branch of military service, to join you have to
do your time in boot camp. Navy boot is on the short side compared
to the Army and the Marines, but none the less it's hell.

And the worst part of hell for me came in mid November.

I'd been there about four weeks. That's the week when you start
learning how to march. Yes, the Navy in fact does learn how to march.
It's a skill we all promptly forget after boot camp.

I was sick.

The kind of sick you get when somewhere in the middle of your small
intestine some snooty body function thinks it's high time that everything
in the digestive tract get booted out and by the quickest
route possible.

But I was going to tough it out. If they found out I was sick
they would let me stay in bed for a few days, but they would
also set me back a class and I didn't want to stay there any
longer than I had to.

And so we marched. Well, more like we did a good impression of
85 men trying out for the role of the Scarecrow in the local
production of The Wizard of Oz. We stumbled over each
other. Some of us fell. Many of us where told to get a brain.

All of us clicked our heels and said "There is no place like home."

Sadly the part of Dorothy had already been taken by a young
recruit who announced to the whole class that he was gay.

After 3 hours of marching it was time to head back to our compartment.

Did I mention that we march everywhere at boot camp?

And did I mention that we sucked at marching?

Every time one of us made a mistake, one of our instructors would
stop the whole group and tell the one in error how badly he
needed a brain. So even though we only needed to travel about one
quarter of a mile, it was going to take us about three days to get there.

Which was fine by me until a tiny little man in my head raised a
red flag with a big number ONE on it.

I had to tinkle. According to the little man, I had to do it Now.

I'm not sure how it is for you, but for me, holding my pee is
simple as long as I can keep doing one activity. Such as walking.
Or standing. Its when I have to keep changing from walking to
standing that I have a problem.

Our marching progress was going something like this:
Step Step STOP! Wait Wait Start Step STOP! Wait Wait Wait Start...
And so on.

Clearly I was going to wet myself long before I got anywhere near a toilet.

As best I could I held it in and tried not to look like Richard Simmons
in a speed walking contest.

Then the little man in my head raised another flag. It was red and
it had a TWO on it.

Not good. At the time my number twos had been violent and uncontrollable.
I wasn't going to make it and if I tried to hold it in I stood a
good chance of killing the unsuspecting recruit behind me.

So for the greater good I committed a cardinal sin.

With 100 yards to go I broke ranks and started speed walking to
the oldies en route to the nearest potty.

Breking ranks is really bad. I could have burned a flag right in
front of the commanding officer and not been in as much trouble
as breaking ranks.

Within milliseconds my Lead instructor commanded that every one
halt. When they all did and I didn't he asked me calmly, at the top
of his lungs, what the hell it was I thought I was doing.

"I've got to potty, SIR!"

"Get back in ranks!"

"Not until after I see a man about a horse, SIR!"

My last comment left him speechless long enough for me to make it
around the corner of our building. At this point I could actually
FEEL fecal matter start to press against my tighty whities.
(normally I wear boxer briefs but the Navy doesn't issue those.)
((I have no idea why I just revealed that...))
(((Given the nature of the story, I guess it doesn't matter what I say.)))

Where was I?

Oh yeah.

So, with only three flights of stars to go, I started running.
I bolted up the stars and into our compartment and two problems
struck me at once.

1) Our compartment is the living quarters for 90+ recruits. It's a
really long narrow room. So long you can see the curvature of the
earth. And the door I came as far away from the bathroom as possible.

2) It's mid November. Mid November in the Great Lakes area. It's
really damn cold and to make sure us recruits are snuggly warm
our instructors instructed us to wear three layers of clothing.

I dashed down the compartment tossing odd bits of outerwear left
and right. I was about half way across when from somewhere inside
me a tiny Mr. Scott shouted "SHE CAN'T TAKE MUCH MORE OF THIS CAPTAIN!"

Regardless of whether I wanted to or not, I started to **** my pants.

I reached around with both hands and grabbed my cheeks, pressing
them together. with every ounce of strength I had I flexed my
sphincter closed. Keeping my legs together I HOPPED the rest of
the way.

It's amazing how fast you can hop when you really need to.

In fact I was hopping so fast that I blew past 5 toilets before
I was able to slow down enough to land in a stall.

Once I was in the stall I dropped my pants and aimed my *** at the bowl.
I relaxed my bums biceps and... er let nature take it's course.

And that course amounted to the largest explosion of human waste
I've ever witnessed. Chunks the color of black fudge managed to
connect with the ceiling. I sat down on the bowl and allowed my
bowels to empty them selves.

About this time my instructor had caught up with me and came
storming into the bathroom. There is little privacy at boot
camp and none of the stalls have doors. He waltzed right into the
stall and then stopped cold.

All he could say was "Jesus."

I sat there and continued to ****.

Finally he said to me "What is the matter with you."

"Shit happens, Sir."

o_O

Finally he said to me "What is the matter with you."

"I think the gerbil had had enough".

Edited, Wed Oct 12 19:18:03 2005 by Stunted

Lots of recruits would **** their pants at Marine boot camp, think we only had one (a gomer pyle type) crap himself.

Suffice to say I don't think anyone would have been brave enough to break ranks and take off to the head like that. I can't even imagine what would have happened.

Lucky your instructor caught up with you to see the damage XD You'd've been figuratively castrated ><

0_0 Wow... just wow...

Edited, Wed Oct 12 19:33:14 2005 by Sefir

Actually all I had to do was clean up after myself.

That was bad enough

Toothbrush?

Bah!

I had a full size mop.

It was retired shortly after my handy-work

Damn that sounds so familiar! I guess I will give a quick story of my time in Great "Mistakes" back four years ago.

Well, lets see, we were all sitting there when we were checking in it has been a long night of a flight, then a trip to the USO then on a long bus ride to Great Lakes to only get yelled at to get off the damn bus. The moment we arrive we get our asses chewed. Yelling and screaming about
"If you lied about anything you said on your application you will be dishonorably discharged... yaha yadaa yada..."

Well, finally we were in this one room where we were going to become divisions. There were two places to go. One side was the normal divisions the other side a guy from my hometown was waving me to the other side, I was like Hell, might as well, then I found out what it was for. It was a performing Division. They do choir, band and Drill Team. It was my lucky day! I thought. So I sat down and did the whole sign up thing.

I had the urge to **** and I asked one of the instructors, my I use the bathroom please? He looked and glared at me with violent intent and yelled "Its a HEAD! You soup sandwitch! What are you grinning for?" I just smiled back "I am just smiling I guess." "Don't make me slap that smile off your face! Whats your name?" "Edwards." "I know your name now." I was so scared becuase here it was the first day and one of the instructor's knew my name I thought this brought total distruction to my entire time in Boot Camp.

And to top it off. Ironically, the guy who cought my name turned out to be one of my Recruit Division Commander's. Oi.

That was fun.
I got one more story I would like to pass on to everyone. It is something I posted on my LS Website. Enjoy :)
----------------------------------------------------
Oh, by the way". these for words strike fear into any Military man. Why?

Because you know perfectly well that you will be doing something extra or have to do something incredibly tedious on your free time or at work alike...

My four years in the Navy has tought me not to fear the words "Oh, by the way..." but no matter what I do i find myself doing more and more B.S. becuase of those words.

I feel that must strive to tell you all the horror of the words
"Oh........by the way."

Alright well, this story begins in the winter of 2001 in a place called China Lake, California, a dismyal little place with no hope of happiness or no home of anything basically, it is called basically by myself "The pimple on god's ***, we are just waiting for him to pop it..." Yes it was that bad, I was finding myself calling my dad every other day becuase I hated that so much.

Well, at the time, I was T.A.D (Temperary Assigned Duty) to a place that cleaned all of the work spaces and sold candy and things to all of the sailors. When I get there on the first day from boot camp I was livid, I was excited, but oh how the feeling would change later that night.

I would show up at 0800 that morning, and get myself checked in at Medical and Dental, and the Personell to get all my things squared away, I returned back to my command at around 3:00-4:30 pm, I said

"Yes, Petty Officer. I am done checking in with those places."
The short fat woman was sitting at her deck, talking to another person of the same rank... Silent and collected, I could tell my fate was going to be decided really quick.... She stood up and wobbled over to me..

"So you checked in, Airman Edwards? Good... Oh, by the way. You are working Nights starting tonight. Have a good night."

The look on my face was.... well, hmm my first day in the command and I have to be here to god knows when? Oh man, It was a long day....
Needless to say, this is not my first encounter with the evil word....

"Oh, by the way...."
------------------------------------------------

I'm in the marine corps and i can still remember the fact that in boot camp ******** yourself (although you got killed for it) was more acceptable then braking ranks.

I can still remember one guy that pissed himself in his Services "A" (the 3rd most formal uniform consists of green slacks kaki long sleve shirt with tie and green service coat) during the Battalion commanders inspection.

>< i can still remember the day that i we where standing on line (our squad bay is a long room with about 78 people in it. it splits into 3 long sections the 2 outside strips where all the racks are and the center strip seperating it is a thing red like when you come on line your have to run to it and be at equal spacing with the people around you and at NO point are your toes to pass this line) and my toe had got past it by about 2mm. one of my DIs ran up picked me up by my throught and threw me back about 4 feet into my rifle! talk about some pain ;_; take note that i also weigh about 180lbs and he picked me up off my feet a good 2ft in the air ~.~ .... needless to say he was pretty big.

<_<;; i can't say i miss all that ....... glad i only got about a year left mmm...... no more Marine Corps /cheer
---Damion

LOL! Awesome!

ET3/SS Spungy reporting for duty, Sir! I don't think I **** once the first 3 weeks in boot camp. I don't know where it all went, but I couldn't ****. What division were you in? I was in 929 with the flags, but I never had to do the flags. My special job during graduations for the last 4 weeks was the "??? on deck!" caller in the officers boardroom. I went to boot in 1995, it probably hasn't changed much since then. I am now happily "OUT".

lmao, that was one great story.

FUNNY as hell!!

Tell more stories!!!!