I'm beginning to see a pattern. Aside from the usual overwhelming negativity-- the constant nagging thoughts telling me it's time to die, that the world is shit, etc. I can usually deal with that pretty well. It is just background noise. But then certain things really send it into overdrive. It is always a person. Someone I think fondly of. Just like the woman from the comic store from last year, and just like so many others before that. There's always someone.
A pleasant conversation or two. Smiles. Kind gestures. I allow myself to think that maybe they're different. I fantasize about them and get carried away in the niceness of the ideas I get. I dream up all kinds of scenarios that end with the two of us being intimate together, or, at the very least, having another pleasant conversation. So I go out of my way to try and make them happen somehow. I wake up early and get there hours before I'm supposed to be there in hopes she'll be there to. I try to time my breaks to coincide with theirs so that I might get to talk to her.
But of course, the universe seems to work against me. Instead of any one of the scenarios I fantasize about, ranging from the extreme to the very mild, nothing happens instead. Today is just another day.
Then comes the disappointment, and the frustration. These aren't just words used to describe how I feel. They are whole galaxies.
I craft my plans so carefully. I make certain my intentions aren't made obvious, because I know, the moment I so much as hint at how I feel she will run away and block me on everything as sure and as quick as... something. They always do. --and I know another defeat like that would be certain death. I would not forgive myself again.
The frustration burns so intensely. It takes every fiber of my being to try and appear normal to my classmates. "What's the matter?" they ask anyway. They can tell something is wrong. I just shake my head, because I can't speak. I can't tell them about how I'm thinking about hanging myself, or how I'd be burning myself with a lighter if I had one.
I think to myself, "if I already know how she will react, then why even try?" I already know that I'm completely undesirable. I know I'm not wanted by anyone and never will be. There is always someone else. Someone better. Of course there is. Neither of us are single. She has a boyfriend she lives with, and I'm trapped in a loveless marriage, which, until I can graduate and get a job somewhere, I am completely dependent on.
--but there is something about her behavior. She IS different, but how? I don't think I'm mistaking casual politeness for genuine interest again this time, or am I? Could it be possible for me to pretend to be normal long enough to not scare her away? --to not show how desperate I am, and pretend I'm not really all that interested somehow. Is there is a chance she could be doing the same thing?
I think about how nice it could all be if everything worked out the way I imagine. It could make everything worthwhile. --as long as there is some chance. I don't think anyone understands what this is like. For most people, it doesn't seem like such a big deal. No one seems to understand that this is literally all I want. This is all I care about, and it's all I can never have. If I could have it though, just once, it would be like the greatest thing that ever happened. All the pain and frustration would go away, and life would be beautiful. It is just as simple as that. It has been a constant cycle of torment-- of wanting and not getting. Over and over and over-- and if I could just GET one time. I could be normal. I could be happy.
I think I have a good chance this time, maybe. I just need to not ***** it up.
Kuwoobie will die crushed under the burden of his mediocrity.