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#352 Sep 23 2017 at 11:15 PM Rating: Decent
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Having worked in health care longer than any sane person should, I can only give you one piece of advice. Never, under any circumstances trust a doctor. I'm sure there are some of them out there that aren't just god awful, but I haven't met one yet. Honestly, PAs and nurses are usually far better at their jobs than the doctors they work for.

Edited, Sep 24th 2017 1:19am by Turin
#353 Sep 24 2017 at 12:48 AM Rating: Good
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My wife is a nurse. She tells me the same exact thing.
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Galkaman wrote:
Kuwoobie will die crushed under the burden of his mediocrity.

#354 Oct 06 2017 at 8:35 PM Rating: Good
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I had a really huge wall of text typed out and somehow accidentally pressed just the right combination of buttons to make the browser close as I was getting up for a minute.
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Galkaman wrote:
Kuwoobie will die crushed under the burden of his mediocrity.

#355 Oct 07 2017 at 1:12 PM Rating: Good
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I'm supposed to lower my standards. That's what everyone seems to be hinting at. I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to make myself like people or things that disgust me. But those are my options. Everything else is not for me.

Everything is indifferent.

I think maybe the problem is: Everything is easy. I wake up and do the same things every day. I get food and whatever else no matter what I do. There is no challenge. No goal. I'm still in school learning about radiation physics so I can pass the boards and be a glorified button pusher. --so I can be hired at a hospital or some place and get paid to take radiographs. Then just do that over and over.

This work is all easy. I don't have to study at home or really even try. My classmates act like it's so difficult, but I wonder if it is really hard for them or if it's some psychological thing that makes them feel that way because they think they're under some kind of pressure to do well.

I'm also beginning to wonder if maybe it's not all circumstantial. I try to do things I used to enjoy, and it's no different from staring at a wall. It's like there's none of those brain chemicals happening that are supposed to happen. I don't enjoy anything. No matter what it is. Maybe that's why I have such high standards for what can make me happy. I keep thinking if something highly unlikely could happen, then maybe I wouldn't feel like hanging myself. Maybe that's why I can't appreciate my realistic options.
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Galkaman wrote:
Kuwoobie will die crushed under the burden of his mediocrity.

#356 Oct 09 2017 at 7:51 AM Rating: Good
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Kuwoobie wrote:
Everything is easy.
Your blog posts indicate otherwise.
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#357 Oct 09 2017 at 10:15 PM Rating: Good
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Ok. So anything I can do on my own is easy. Anything that involves someone else is impossible/ not for me. So I can't do anything like that. All I can do now is sleep and hope for some kind of advanced VR in the near future.
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Galkaman wrote:
Kuwoobie will die crushed under the burden of his mediocrity.

#358 Oct 09 2017 at 10:15 PM Rating: Good
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Double posting is easy when it comes from my phone.

Edited, Oct 10th 2017 6:48pm by Kuwoobie
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Galkaman wrote:
Kuwoobie will die crushed under the burden of his mediocrity.

#359 Nov 05 2017 at 6:06 PM Rating: Good
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I think I've got it figured out a little bit. This is ****. We're all already dead, and we're in ****. We're all being punished for something we can't remember. Just look at the people you're sharing the world with. They are mindless ghouls. They exist for no reason but to torment you, and each other.
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Galkaman wrote:
Kuwoobie will die crushed under the burden of his mediocrity.

#360 Nov 05 2017 at 6:08 PM Rating: Good
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Really? Hell is censored?? I can say HELL in a ******* PG rated movie but not ******* Zam.com god no.
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Galkaman wrote:
Kuwoobie will die crushed under the burden of his mediocrity.

#361 Nov 06 2017 at 8:45 AM Rating: Good
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Hell is your worst experience repeated for eternity. Every other depiction seems mundane by comparison.

Also still poop.
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George Carlin wrote:
I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
#362 Nov 06 2017 at 6:46 PM Rating: Good
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lolgaxe wrote:
Hell is your worst experience repeated for eternity. Every other depiction seems mundane by comparison.

Also still poop.


Just one experience? I don't think so. We'd all just get used to it after x amount of time. **** has a whole board room filled with people dreaming up creative new ways to **** with us around every bend.
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Galkaman wrote:
Kuwoobie will die crushed under the burden of his mediocrity.

#363 Nov 07 2017 at 9:03 AM Rating: Good
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Kuwoobie wrote:
We'd all just get used to it after x amount of time.
You relive it, you don't remember your worst experiences while they're happening. So like Hellraiser: Inferno.
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George Carlin wrote:
I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
#364 Nov 07 2017 at 12:19 PM Rating: Good
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Oh, ok.
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Galkaman wrote:
Kuwoobie will die crushed under the burden of his mediocrity.

#365 Nov 07 2017 at 2:41 PM Rating: Good
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**** seems to be going the same way as slavery, rape, and women as property in Christianity today, so be afraid of it while there's still people pretending you should be.

Edit: I'm sure it's been brought up before, but really, I can say rape but not h-e-double-hockey-sticks?

Edited, Nov 7th 2017 4:49pm by Allegory
#366 Nov 08 2017 at 8:55 AM Rating: Good
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You can say rape but not poop.
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George Carlin wrote:
I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
#367 Nov 11 2017 at 7:16 AM Rating: Good
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lolgaxe wrote:
You can say rapecockmaster but not poop.

#369 Nov 11 2017 at 7:17 AM Rating: Good
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Edit: Oh baby, a triple! Smiley: glare

Edited, Nov 11th 2017 6:19am by Poldaran
#370 Nov 13 2017 at 3:11 PM Rating: Good
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I'm beginning to see a pattern. Aside from the usual overwhelming negativity-- the constant nagging thoughts telling me it's time to die, that the world is shit, etc. I can usually deal with that pretty well. It is just background noise. But then certain things really send it into overdrive. It is always a person. Someone I think fondly of. Just like the woman from the comic store from last year, and just like so many others before that. There's always someone.

A pleasant conversation or two. Smiles. Kind gestures. I allow myself to think that maybe they're different. I fantasize about them and get carried away in the niceness of the ideas I get. I dream up all kinds of scenarios that end with the two of us being intimate together, or, at the very least, having another pleasant conversation. So I go out of my way to try and make them happen somehow. I wake up early and get there hours before I'm supposed to be there in hopes she'll be there to. I try to time my breaks to coincide with theirs so that I might get to talk to her.

But of course, the universe seems to work against me. Instead of any one of the scenarios I fantasize about, ranging from the extreme to the very mild, nothing happens instead. Today is just another day.

Then comes the disappointment, and the frustration. These aren't just words used to describe how I feel. They are whole galaxies.

I craft my plans so carefully. I make certain my intentions aren't made obvious, because I know, the moment I so much as hint at how I feel she will run away and block me on everything as sure and as quick as... something. They always do. --and I know another defeat like that would be certain death. I would not forgive myself again.

The frustration burns so intensely. It takes every fiber of my being to try and appear normal to my classmates. "What's the matter?" they ask anyway. They can tell something is wrong. I just shake my head, because I can't speak. I can't tell them about how I'm thinking about hanging myself, or how I'd be burning myself with a lighter if I had one.

I think to myself, "if I already know how she will react, then why even try?" I already know that I'm completely undesirable. I know I'm not wanted by anyone and never will be. There is always someone else. Someone better. Of course there is. Neither of us are single. She has a boyfriend she lives with, and I'm trapped in a loveless marriage, which, until I can graduate and get a job somewhere, I am completely dependent on.

--but there is something about her behavior. She IS different, but how? I don't think I'm mistaking casual politeness for genuine interest again this time, or am I? Could it be possible for me to pretend to be normal long enough to not scare her away? --to not show how desperate I am, and pretend I'm not really all that interested somehow. Is there is a chance she could be doing the same thing?

I think about how nice it could all be if everything worked out the way I imagine. It could make everything worthwhile. --as long as there is some chance. I don't think anyone understands what this is like. For most people, it doesn't seem like such a big deal. No one seems to understand that this is literally all I want. This is all I care about, and it's all I can never have. If I could have it though, just once, it would be like the greatest thing that ever happened. All the pain and frustration would go away, and life would be beautiful. It is just as simple as that. It has been a constant cycle of torment-- of wanting and not getting. Over and over and over-- and if I could just GET one time. I could be normal. I could be happy.

I think I have a good chance this time, maybe. I just need to not ***** it up.
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Galkaman wrote:
Kuwoobie will die crushed under the burden of his mediocrity.

#371 Nov 13 2017 at 5:27 PM Rating: Good
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Kuwoobie's theme song...

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#372 Nov 14 2017 at 8:41 AM Rating: Good
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I'd have bet:
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George Carlin wrote:
I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
#373 Nov 14 2017 at 11:59 AM Rating: Excellent
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Waiting on the upcoming "Women are all bitches who only want perfect guys because they've been brainwashed by the feminazi media" post with bated breath.
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Belkira wrote:
Wow. Regular ol' Joph fan club in here.
#374 Nov 14 2017 at 6:47 PM Rating: Good
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Jophiel wrote:
Waiting on the upcoming "Women are all bitches who only want perfect guys because they've been brainwashed by the feminazi media" post with bated breath.


Yes, I just can't wait to have all kinds of desperate hyperbole shamelessly inserted into my narrative. That's always fun. The mere mention of the word "feminism" is a guaranteed indignant response from you, regardless of what other words are paired with it.

Don't expect anything anytime soon, either way. It's unlikely anything will change given how extremely rare it is that I even see this person. I've already gone back into a sort of hibernation mode where I force myself to sleep more or less 100% of the time I am not in class. No one will have to worry about being bothered by me this way. It's almost like not existing.
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Galkaman wrote:
Kuwoobie will die crushed under the burden of his mediocrity.

#375 Nov 14 2017 at 7:10 PM Rating: Excellent
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Smiley: thumbsup
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Belkira wrote:
Wow. Regular ol' Joph fan club in here.
#376 Nov 14 2017 at 8:13 PM Rating: Good
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As it turns out, I can't make myself sleep for as long as I would like. It's times like this where I think of all the gun advocacy arguments people make. Like "if he wanted to get a gun badly enough he would have pulled one out of his *** and done it anyway." I want a gun pretty bad right now, but guns are expensive, and I'm broke. I imagine if there were some kind of law against selling them, there wouldn't be a gun store in every other shopping district around here, and I wouldn't be able to get one at all, whether I had money or not. I wouldn't know any seedy underground gun dealers like in the movies, and I wouldn't talk to one if I did.

It's like it's just not that simple. If I just had a handgun. Maybe not a .22 or something little like that, but something that could get the job done. I would point it right against the spot where my right eye meets my nose, and fire. I wouldn't even know what happened.

Then there's the argument specifically regarding suicide. "If he wanted to die bad enough, he'd have just found some other way." Not really. I can't be sure any other way I can think of would actually work, or work fast enough. It's a lot easier to just sit here and deal with it than it is to find something long enough to hang myself with and actually tie it all up and make it happen, but at the same time, it also easier to point a piece of metal and pull the trigger than it is to just sit here and deal with it.

Maybe I'm just lazy. But if I just had a gun, I would be dead. I don't want to be here. I go outside and just stand there because I can't think of anywhere else to go because everywhere is just as bad. But instead of being dead, I'll just sit here and deal with it long enough for me to start feeling tired again, and I'll sleep instead. Then I'll go to class and try to retain as much as I can so I can do well on my final exam on Friday, because ????. No reason. There's no real reason to do anything. I really don't want to do all that, but I do it anyway, because I feel like I have to. I don't want to do anything, and I don't want to be anywhere. I don't want to be. But I do it anyway. It never ends.
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Galkaman wrote:
Kuwoobie will die crushed under the burden of his mediocrity.

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