1
Forum Settings
       
Reply To Thread

Things we might discuss if the forum didn't dieFollow

#54 Sep 25 2016 at 3:20 AM Rating: Good
Wants you as a new recruit!
*****
17,414 posts
Kuwoobie wrote:
I'm starting at University of Florida next Spring. Never dreamed I'd be a Gator. My plan is to get a decent job with a bachelors degree, then use that help pay to get my masters, then doctorate. I wish I could have started with all of this 12 years ago when I was graduating high school...


Don't be looking at the past, only the future. I'll be 29 when I am finished with my bachelor's next year.
____________________________
Bringing derail™ back.
Smiley: canada
Qui s'estime petit deviendra grand.
#55 Sep 27 2016 at 10:08 PM Rating: Good
Avatar
****
6,392 posts
Whenever I'm feeling down I read through all my old posts and look at all the funny and clever things I've said over the years. Then I start to feel down again when I realize I'm not nearly as funny or clever as I used to be.
____________________________
Galkaman wrote:
Kuwoobie will die crushed under the burden of his mediocrity.

#56 Sep 28 2016 at 4:11 AM Rating: Good
***
1,054 posts
University is a pyramid scheme.
____________________________
Timelordwho wrote:
I'm not quite sure that scheming is an emotion.
#57 Sep 28 2016 at 6:00 PM Rating: Good
Avatar
****
6,392 posts
Kavekkk wrote:
University is a pyramid scheme.


I don't get it. What are you trying to say here exactly?
____________________________
Galkaman wrote:
Kuwoobie will die crushed under the burden of his mediocrity.

#58 Sep 28 2016 at 8:49 PM Rating: Good
Avatar
*****
13,212 posts
Kuwoobie wrote:
Kavekkk wrote:
University is a pyramid scheme.


I don't get it. What are you trying to say here exactly?


He's saying look into schools around Cairo.

Edited, Oct 3rd 2016 1:37am by Timelordwho
____________________________
Just as Planned.
#59 Oct 02 2016 at 11:25 PM Rating: Good
Worst. Title. Ever!
*****
16,787 posts
They cancelled my Japan trip next week. No free Japan tours for me. Smiley: frown
____________________________
Can't sleep, clown will eat me.
#60 Oct 03 2016 at 7:35 AM Rating: Good
******
49,482 posts
That's probably for the best, considering the weather.
____________________________
George Carlin wrote:
I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
#61 Oct 08 2016 at 5:46 AM Rating: Good
Wants you as a new recruit!
*****
17,414 posts
Ah that sucks :/ theres a bunch of sunny days coming up next week D:
____________________________
Bringing derail™ back.
Smiley: canada
Qui s'estime petit deviendra grand.
#62 Oct 26 2016 at 12:52 PM Rating: Good
Avatar
****
6,392 posts
Right now I am experiencing the darkest week of my life. Nothing I have experienced before can compare to this. Nothing has ever come close to this. Sleeping does not fix it. Waiting for 3 days hasn't fixed it. It is relentless and nagging like nothing I have ever felt. I actually called about counseling and they want $120 an hour which I obviously can't afford. I have been researching methods of hanging and have learned how easy it is, and it has never been so tempting. I have talked to my wife about it, and even my stepdaughter, and they both said "I don't know what to tell you." I can barely move, let alone motivate myself to get up and do something like that. My legs and arms feel like they are filled with ice water. If I had a gun it would be over. But I don't, so I'm going to go on continuing to exist this way for who knows how long, maybe until I actually start feeling good enough to stand up and make the necessary preparations. I am going to wait until Saturday to see if anything changes. I might be meeting my friend on that day to play MtG with her again, but I'm not sure. I hate to blame her for this. It isn't her fault that I feel the way I feel about her or myself. It isn't her fault that she isn't interested in me, or that I've never been more hysterically jealous about this other guy who came out of nowhere who she will soon be seeing exclusively. It isn't her fault that she barely knows me and that I'm stuck in a loveless marriage with someone I'm completely dependent on.

I thought I could enrich my life by going out and meeting people and making friends with people my age, but instead of being depressed on a level I am used to, I have gone out of my way to relive all of the things that have damaged me the most in previous years. I have done nothing but pretend to be a mature adult about it all. "Oh, I understand completely" I say. "Oh, that's nice. Good luck with him ^^" I say. --but on the inside, I am on fire. It is kind of like an extreme anger, but at who? Myself? I think more than anything it is raw frustration, just on a level that is almost beyond comprehension. It is a lifetime of being completely unable to achieve any sort of satisfaction, and instead landing in **** every time.

I am positive anyone who would read this would think how absurd my reaction to all of this is, because for them it might only be a mild annoyance. Surely I am overreacting. --but it isn't that simple. I am reliving all the times I have been wounded in the same way over and over, and I am realizing that this is how it has always been, and always will be. I realize how foolish it is to think I can just go to school and have a good job and pretend it will make any difference, and even if it did, it is too little, too late. She is the first person I have ever actually expressed my romantic interest in before, and even though I was rejected, it was actually kind of relief. She was not angry like I always expect people to react, but seemed happy. We can still be friends, or so she says, even though I'm really more of an acquaintance, she also said.

I feel like I have truly gone over the deep end. I think of all the crazed yandere characters I've seen on the internet, and feel like I can completely relate with them. I'm just a really sick person who has succeeded in pretending to be normal to everyone I know outside of the internet.

Anyway, I feel infinitely a lot better after writing all of this. Thank you so much whoever for skimming over this post and thinking whatever judgmental thoughts you are thinking.
____________________________
Galkaman wrote:
Kuwoobie will die crushed under the burden of his mediocrity.

#63 Oct 26 2016 at 1:31 PM Rating: Good
******
49,482 posts
You're welcome.

You're also definitely 150% not yandere. Probably dandere.
____________________________
George Carlin wrote:
I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
#64 Oct 26 2016 at 5:48 PM Rating: Decent
Encyclopedia
******
34,808 posts
Kuwoobie wrote:
I am positive anyone who would read this would think how absurd my reaction to all of this is, because for them it might only be a mild annoyance. Surely I am overreacting. --but it isn't that simple.


Yeah. I think you're overreacting. You're correct that it's not that simple. But it should be. I think you're over thinking things, and placing far too much weight on things that aren't as important as you think.

Quote:
I am reliving all the times I have been wounded in the same way over and over, and I am realizing that this is how it has always been, and always will be.


Then stop doing that. You're dwelling on the negatives and making them loom large in your life. Find things you enjoy about life. Read a good book. Watch a fun TV show or film. Play a video game (or any sort of game). Don't think about anything negative while doing that. Then, think about the fun you had while doing that instead of the negative stuff. I get that you can't just ignore bad stuff and push it away, but you've gone far too far in the other direction IMO. You need to find a balance in life. And the first step to doing that is spend a lot more time thinking of positive things rather than negative.

Quote:
I realize how foolish it is to think I can just go to school and have a good job and pretend it will make any difference, and even if it did, it is too little, too late. She is the first person I have ever actually expressed my romantic interest in before, and even though I was rejected, it was actually kind of relief. She was not angry like I always expect people to react, but seemed happy. We can still be friends, or so she says, even though I'm really more of an acquaintance, she also said.


Two things:

1. Try to stop defining yourself based on other people, and define yourself based on yourself. Figure out what things you want, what you enjoy, and what you like to do that doesn't revolve around anyone else. I don't mean substitute one person in your life for another (which is what it sounds like you're trying to do here). Figure out who you are (or even who you want to be), and strive to be that person.

2. I know that this kinda violates the first thing I just mentioned, but how are you married if this other woman is the first person you've ever expressed your romantic interest in? Is that actually true, or only true in a pining away "she's the only <insert whatever> for me. Ever!" manner? Because if the former, then I'm not sure I understand your relationship situation at all (and that may be a source of your problems, but I can't comment because I don't know what's going on there), but if the latter, then you really need to get your life balanced (as I mentioned above).

Quote:
I feel like I have truly gone over the deep end. I think of all the crazed yandere characters I've seen on the internet, and feel like I can completely relate with them. I'm just a really sick person who has succeeded in pretending to be normal to everyone I know outside of the internet.


Honestly, as long as you think that, you'll find a way to make it be true. I know it's not that simple. I've known people who struggle with depression, and it always seems so easy to solve. But it's easy for someone who isn't suffering. Those who are just can't find a way out of it. But honestly, you have to anyway. And, as I mentioned above, the first step is to spend less time thinking about the things that bother you, and more time thinking about things you like and enjoy. Over time, the "sickness" will seem less large, and eventually may even go away entirely. The mind is funny that way.

Quote:
Anyway, I feel infinitely a lot better after writing all of this. Thank you so much whoever for skimming over this post and thinking whatever judgmental thoughts you are thinking.


Not judgmental at all (well, not in a bad way anyway). You're not the only person who's had bad things happen to them, and had bad thoughts that persist about those things. For years, on a date that was an anniversary of a particularly horrible event in my life, I would always be aware of it. I'd reflect on that horrible thing. I'd think about it in the days before, as the date loomed before me. I'd always be sad on that day, knew that reflecting made me sad, but did it anyway. Then one year, I realized that the date had passed. I'd "missed it". Hadn't thought about it at all. I actually thought this was a bad thing. I'd failed to remember this horrible thing, and despite it being horrible, it was a part of me, so by failing to remember, it was like a piece of me was lost or something.

Then I realized that I wasn't sad. And I moved on.
____________________________
King Nobby wrote:
More words please
#65 Oct 26 2016 at 6:04 PM Rating: Good
Soulless Internet Tiger
******
35,348 posts
It was when Obama won his first term, wasn't it?



Anyway, as for you Kuwoobie, I can't really help and am going to avoid being my typical a-hole to you. Best i can do is try and call Anna...Smiley: madSmiley: madSmiley: mad
____________________________
Donate. One day it could be your family.


An invasion of armies can be resisted, but not an idea whose time has come. Victor Hugo

#66 Oct 26 2016 at 7:22 PM Rating: Good
Avatar
****
6,392 posts
Quote:
Then stop doing that. You're dwelling on the negatives and making them loom large in your life. Find things you enjoy about life. Read a good book. Watch a fun TV show or film. Play a video game (or any sort of game). Don't think about anything negative while doing that. Then, think about the fun you had while doing that instead of the negative stuff. I get that you can't just ignore bad stuff and push it away, but you've gone far too far in the other direction IMO. You need to find a balance in life. And the first step to doing that is spend a lot more time thinking of positive things rather than negative.


I am finding myself unable to enjoy those things anymore. That is exactly what I have been doing all my life. Reading books. Playing games. All while being shut away in my room and never interacting with anyone. I feel like the very act of doing these things any longer is a negative thing that I can't avoid.

Quote:
1. Try to stop defining yourself based on other people, and define yourself based on yourself. Figure out what things you want, what you enjoy, and what you like to do that doesn't revolve around anyone else. I don't mean substitute one person in your life for another (which is what it sounds like you're trying to do here). Figure out who you are (or even who you want to be), and strive to be that person.


It's funny, because she went on a long incoherent rant saying more or less the same thing after I told her I wanted to see her more often. I could not make her understand that everything I want to do involves at least one someone else. I simply can't stomach the idea of doing things alone anymore than I already have been.

Quote:
2. I know that this kinda violates the first thing I just mentioned, but how are you married if this other woman is the first person you've ever expressed your romantic interest in?


I know it sounds terrible, but I have never had any romantic interest in my wife. There are several people in my life I have been particularly interested in, and I never had any kind of relationship with any of them. I met my wife after emailing something like 150 women on Myspace listed as "single" and she was the only one who responded favorably. I talked to her online for a little while before meeting her, and the rest is history. Before her, I had never been in any kind of relationship with anyone. If she had never replied, I would not have survived another week. I was desperate to be with anyone at all. She doesn't seem to mind our relationship. She is more focused on her career and doesn't seem to care about the kind of things I do. She has told me she is unhappy, though, but only because she feels she still isn't making enough money. I have told her I am unhappy because of how platonic our relationship is, and how I feel ignored by her and the kids. She says she won't talk about divorce because she and my mother are afraid I will kill myself, and I can't really say anything until I can be independent from her financially. Originally it was our plan for her to work and make all the money since she has a good paying job and I am more or less unemployable, and I am to stay home and tend to cooking and cleaning and that sort of thing.

Quote:
And, as I mentioned above, the first step is to spend less time thinking about the things that bother you, and more time thinking about things you like and enjoy.


The only things I can think of that I would actually like or enjoy is to be in the company my friend, doing anything at all. Someone else at this point would not even do. I know that sounds incredibly unreasonable. The way I feel around my friend is literally like a drug, and when I'm not at least texting her, I begin to feel worse and worse. It has been this way for me for several other people in my life. There is always someone at a place I work at, or went to school with who had the same effect, but they were always from a safe distance. I never before had the pleasure of talking to such a person or getting to spend time with them in any way. Sometimes I think it would be better if I had just never met her, and I could go back sleeping 17 hours a day or playing online games over Skype with fatherless jailbait.

Instead I now spend every moment I'm awake on Facebook trying to come up with valid excuse to talk to her, which is hard. She is easily the hardest person to talk to over text that I have ever known, but she makes up for it by being incredibly charming in person. I used to play League of Legends with her over Teamspeak but that doesn't seem like something she ever wants to do anymore. So I wait until Thursdays through Saturday and ask her if she is going to be at the comic store on either of those days and go when she goes. Anything else I do feels like wasting time.

Quote:
Then I realized that I wasn't sad. And I moved on.


I can usually move on, usually. I think the reason it's hard to now is because I feel like there is still hope, however unrealistic it may be, that what I want can happen. Honestly, I would be perfectly happy being just friends with my friend, so long as I got to see her and talk to her once in a while, just like before. But as it stands right now, I feel as though the next thing she is going to say to me is how she would rather not talk to me at all, or she will make up excuses to not join me at the comic store, or have an actual reason for not being there because she'll be somewhere else with that other guy establishing a relationship with him. Or not. I have no idea what will happen. I don't know anything at all for sure because she always says so little that I don't even have room for speculation. The uncertainty is the worst part I think. I feel I may have ruined things. She fell asleep while we were talking about that on Sunday night and said the next day that it was settled and there was no need to discuss it any further. I am going to ask her tomorrow morning if she has any plans for this week to go the comic store. How she responds will be the deciding factor in how I feel tomorrow.

I don't know how I can balance anything when there is nothing else at all I care about. I can't make myself enjoy doing something else. I can certainly force myself to do other things. I can try to forget and take my mind off of her, but it never lasts for more than a minute or two.

I am realizing now that the problem is: I didn't really enjoy anything to begin with. I don't enjoy things. If I read a book or play a game or do anything at all by myself, it is not for enjoyment, it is simply to keep busy.

I feel like I say this a lot, but I compare myself to the Trix Rabbit. He spends all his life obsessing over and chasing after one thing he can never, ever have, just to be told it's not for him-- whereas they will then throw him a ****** sack of carrots. I just cannot force myself to eat any more ****** carrots, not when I see everyone else around me enjoying Trix cereal that I just for some ******* reason cannot have. The frustration I feel is purely maddening. The fact that I put so much effort into one thing and fail over and over no matter what I do. It is this that fuels my desire to die the most. All that I want and have ever wanted is for someone to love. But that is not. for. me.

Edited, Oct 29th 2016 5:30pm by Kuwoobie
____________________________
Galkaman wrote:
Kuwoobie will die crushed under the burden of his mediocrity.

#67 Oct 26 2016 at 10:27 PM Rating: Good
Avatar
*****
13,212 posts
Have you considered prostitution?
____________________________
Just as Planned.
#68 Oct 28 2016 at 5:39 AM Rating: Good
Avatar
****
6,392 posts
My friend got on to me last night for liking her statuses on Facebook too much. She then went on to tell me about how uncomfortable I make her and that I should not go to the comic store anymore. Then she blocked and unfriended me. This is really what I have been dreading all week, but now that it's happened, I don't feel upset like I thought I would. I don't feel anything at all. It's like being an inanimate object.

So I have decided that I won't be going there anymore. I won't play Pokemon Go anymore or try to talk to anyone or bother anyone anymore. I would like to stop eating, and breathing, and just being me, but I no longer feel the urge to hurt myself, either. I am realizing just how much I hate myself. It's hard for people like her to understand because they don't have to walk around everywhere as someone everyone hates. It's like being stuck with a shitty, useless character and being forced to play a game I hate.

Before she talked to me last night, I was applying for all kinds of at home call-center type jobs. I was going to call about getting my transcripts from previous colleges and my high school and about free counseling. But now I just have no desire to do any of that. I am simply not motivated anymore. I was tired so I went to sleep, and much to my dismay woke up only a couple of hours later, wide awake, remembering what had just happened was not a bad dream. I just want to go to sleep and stay asleep.

If I had the opportunity to kill myself now, I wouldn't be able to do that anymore either I don't think.

--and yes. I realize how all this sounds from an outside perspective. I wonder about that a lot. If I were someone else reading this I could just say "well do this, this and this. There. Problem solved." But it isn't that simple.

I think about how we're all really just a bunch of soulless biological robots, and the only reason we do anything is because our brains release chemicals to reward us when we do things we have evolved to know we will benefit from. I feel like I'm disgusted with myself for being unable to achieve rewards-- for failing every step of the way. It's like having a car that is a piece of shit-- that is ugly(no seriously look how fucking ugly) and stalls constantly and has all kinds of other problems that aren't even worth the cost of the vehicle to fix. It is intuitive for people to say "oh, well you just need to buck up and carry on" because I might still manage to win this race somehow with one wheel still intact, spinning in circles and shooting sparks everywhere.

I am garbage. Trying to improve myself is like putting sprinkles on a fucking dog ****. I know that I'm whining. I know it won't help anything, but I really feel like I need to express my discontent. I want to destroy myself for not being good enough. I want to destroy the world for teaching people to fear anyone who is hurting or for simply expressing love. All I can ever think about is how good things could be if things were different-- how I am missing out. It is maddening. I can barely see what I'm typing now because I am now furious. I want to bleed. I feel like I want people to watch me bleed and be slowly dismembered for being so inadequate. It is maddening, and I am trapped this way. There is no way out. I know continuing to feel this way is probably reducing my natural lifespan either way. It's like nature's way of mercy killing its mistakes. I am 30 years old. Can I have heart disease yet? Or maybe I'm already dead, and this is ****. Maybe I could drive my car as fast as I can into a solid brick wall and wake up in bed like it was all a dream. Maybe I've died thousands of times already and just can't remember. That would explain so much.

That's all I can say. I hope it was as fun for you to read as it was for me to write. I think I can sleep again now.
____________________________
Galkaman wrote:
Kuwoobie will die crushed under the burden of his mediocrity.

#69 Oct 28 2016 at 6:53 AM Rating: Good
Repressed Memories
******
20,896 posts
Quote:
"well do this, this and this. There. Problem solved."

Probably going to still get a lot of that regardless. It's a natural reaction from people. Like this.

As far as appearances go though, a good haircut and clothes that fit properly can do a lot more than most people expect.
#70 Oct 28 2016 at 12:43 PM Rating: Good
**
348 posts
"...problem solved"? No, no... not likely. Some problems inherent to the human condition don't seem to have solutions.

But: there are still ways to help.

Reading your posts, it's obvious to me that you have some degree of intelligence. Intelligence serves us well; pattern recognition allows us to anticipate things, to interpret things, that those lacking intelligence may struggle with.

One of the biggest problems with depression, and I speak from many years of experience, is that it hijacks your intelligence and forces your intelligence to see patterns that serve the depression itself. You are seeing loops, traps with no way out; your intelligence seems like it is betraying you. In a way, this is illusory.

Your intelligence is intended to serve you. It is a tool we humans can use to improve our lives and the lives of others.

I am going to share some tools and actions I have found useful. They will take effort, which I know is hard to consider when you're in a place like the one you're in now. You depression is likely to tell you that I myself am wasting my time writing this, because I am not you, and my suggestions may have helped me but we're not the same person, so why should they help you? Why should I care about you? Maybe you think I'm wasting my time. Maybe you think you're smarter than I am (and maybe you are!) and all you'll do is pick about what I'm about to say and rebut with all the reasons why my advice is bullshat.

Again, that is the depression hijacking your intelligence. Try to quiet that voice for just a minute and open your mind. In the words of the late, great Frank Zappa, "A mind is like a parachute. It doesn't work if it isn't open."

1) Acknowledge that you are a part of something greater than yourself. I'm not telling you to find religion (I'm not necessarily telling to to avoid religion either.) You are a part of society. Society can be ugly, broken, and unfair. But you're a part of it, like it or not. You are a part of nature. Nature is often as nasty and brutish as it is beautiful and inspiring. You're a part of that, too, for better or worse.

If you must believe that we are soulless meat machines, you must. But the sympathy and empathy I see in your posts leads me to believe this may be a lie you (or your depression) tells yourself to numb your feelings. Even if the reality is that our emotions are chemical reactions and absolutely nothing more, they still affect us physiologically, and no man is an island -- they also affect the society around us and even to a certain extent nature as well, even if those effects aren't immediately obvious to us.

2) Start and maintain a gratitude journal. Every day, write down five things you are grateful or thankful for. Happiness is elusive; gratitude is more concrete. Do you have a roof over your head? Is there food on the table? Do you have hot running water? A toilet to flush away your waste? Access to the Internet? There's five things right there. Pardon the "starving kids in Africa" trope, but there are lots of folks in the world that would be very grateful for those things. I'm being presumptuous; perhaps those five things do not apply to you. Even if they don't, I suspect you have other things to be grateful for that you could substitute them with.

If, every day, you write down the same five things, that's okay. But try to make at least one thing on the list new every day if you can -- even if it's something as silly or trivial as "scotch tape." I'm grateful we have scotch tape and that I have access to it. Does scotch tape alone make life worth living? Maybe not, but that doesn't mean we can't appreciate it and be grateful for it.

3) Move and go outside. I know this sounds preachy and dumb. I'm not saying to go join a gym or anything. I'm saying go outside and walk around the block (assuming you live in a safe enough neighborhood), or go to a park, or take a hike. If it takes Pokémon GO to motivate you, so be it. I like Pokémon GO. But if there are too many negative associations with GO right now, simply walk. Try to be in the moment. Breathe. If you live in a deadly neighborhood, at least step outside your door or open a window for a minute to breathe outside air, and look into simple exercises you can do indoors.

Humans haven't evolved to be idle all the time. That's a recent development in human civilization, and our bodies (and probably our minds!) haven't quite caught up to our increasingly sedentary lifestyles. Don't overdo it! I'm not saying that at all; that's why I'm talking about starting with walks around the block. With time, try to make it a goal to increase the activity to a point. Three blocks, maybe four. Maybe a jog or a sprint. Don't injure yourself, but also remember that the human body is a versatile and adaptive machine.

I sincerely hope you can find some peace of mind.

____________________________
FFXI Character: Strummer; Server: Odin; 99DNC, 99PUP, 99BRD; LS: Goonies
FFXIV Character: Strummer Sleipnir; Server: Malboro; Archer 24, Goldsmithing 20; FC: Goonies
#71 Oct 28 2016 at 5:13 PM Rating: Decent
Encyclopedia
******
34,808 posts
Kuwoobie wrote:
My friend got on to me last night for liking her statuses on Facebook too much. She then went on to tell me about how uncomfortable I make her and that I should not go to the comic store anymore. Then she blocked and unfriended me.


Quote:
I want to destroy the world for teaching people to fear anyone who is hurting or for simply expressing love.


The problem is that you are not expressing love, but expressing obsession. Those are two totally different things, which most people can detect, and which usually results in the reaction you mentioned above. And yes, no matter how you may personally feel about such things, the world does teach people to fear this, because relationships based on obsession almost always end badly for the object of said obsession. The best said person can expect is to have to deal with someone who simply does not see the relationship the same way they do, and the worst is... well... much worse.

Again. I think you need to step back and find your own balance in life. You're getting yourself upset about "losing" a relationship, which, as far as I can tell from your posts, never actually existed in the first place (at least, not in the way you wanted it to). You built up some frankly absurd expectations, despite massive evidence that they were not realistic, and are crushed when faced with the reality of that fact. A bit more honest appraisal along the way might have gone a long way towards heading that off.

Quote:
All I can ever think about is how good things could be if things were different-- how I am missing out.


You're not missing out though. You're setting unrealistic expectations and feeling let down when they don't come true. It's pretty normal for different people to have different opinions about things, and yes, even relationships. It's pretty normal for the girl you see and think is the greatest thing since sliced bread to not think the same of you. Not because you are "ugly", but simply because she's looking for someone else, or is already interested in or in a relationship with someone else, or frankly for any of a dozen different reasons that have little or nothing specifically to do with you. You can eternally view that as "missing out", but the reality is that's just the way life is. There isn't always going to be an ice cream truck driving by right when you want some ice cream. The lights don't always turn green right as you approach. The cafeteria isn't always going to be serving your favorite food for lunch.

As Strummer correctly points out, you should try to look at the things that are there, instead of just the things that are not. I know that it's easier for us to say "it's all in your head", than for you to get those things out of your head, but as he mentioned, there are some mental exercises you can do that can help you on the way (the idea of writing things you are thankful for is a great idea, in fact). You might be surprised just how many more things go right in your day to day life than go wrong. And yeah, I think a lot of your problems stem from you placing far more weight on the latter than on the former. Again, easier said than done, but you have to start somewhere, right? Baby steps.
____________________________
King Nobby wrote:
More words please
#72 Oct 29 2016 at 4:53 AM Rating: Good
Avatar
****
6,392 posts
Quote:
As Strummer correctly points out, you should try to look at the things that are there, instead of just the things that are not.


That just seems to be the reoccurring theme of what anyone says, and all I imagine any kind of therapy or counseling will amount to. I realize the goals I set are mostly unrealistic, but otherwise it simply does not seem worthwhile to me. I feel like I am being asked to settle for mediocrity, and I think my biggest problem of all is that I simply can't be content with all the little things anymore.

I told my wife about everything yesterday-- about how I had feelings for this other person and how she became afraid of me and cut me out of her life. She was angry, but she also understood. She could see how completely heartbroken I was, and decided she would make an effort at being a better wife so that I don't need to look elsewhere for attention.

--and there lies another problem. My friend had given me attention. She went from being a stranger on Facebook to being someone I was completely obsessed with because she seemed to actually want to befriend me and get to know me in the earlier days. There were several times where she would message me completely out of the blue and it would just make me so happy. All I could think about was wanting more and more until it finally peaked on a day we spent together at the comic store. I had never been so happy. It was just me and her and she was so friendly and charming. That was on September 30th, and after that it had become all that I cared about. I really think if I could go back in time and redo a lot of the things I said and did, things could have turned out a lot differently, and the thought of that kills me. I made a lot of really big mistakes and scared her away.

I just wish she could have understood how much it all meant to me without freaking out about it and getting all kinds of scary ideas. I wish she could look past those things and forgive me. Basically the last thing we talked about was how she was not comfortable hanging out with me anymore and how she wanted things to be like they were before she met me, and how I felt didn't matter at all. She gets to go back to the times before I existed in her life and I get to go back to sleeping all day and never leaving my apartment. It just feels really unfair. I know I screwed up a lot, but still. I am missing out. The chance that I could see her again on weekends was all I looked forward to, and there was always something stopping that from happening again. --and now it can never happen. It has been taken from me. I didn't care that she wasn't into me the same way. I didn't expect anything different-- but to completely cut me off like that was just devastating.

So now once again I'm expected to forget about the things I can't have, and appreciate the things I do have, and I can't quite describe what that feels like. It's like a big tease. I could have very well succeeded in getting what I wanted. It WAS possible. I just royally ****** everything up like I always do. I also had really bad luck. --like I could have very well gotten to see her the following Friday after that first time, but Hurricane Mathew came out of nowhere and ruined everything. Then the next week there was a change in my wife's work schedule so I couldn't go, and the more time passed the more desperate I became to make it happen, and I got sloppy.

So now here I am, trying to erase my memory of her and how happy I was, but I'm also relieved. My friend had been making me miserable far more than she ever made me happy. Every day she didn't want to talk or skillfully avoided spending time with me, which had become pretty much always, was very painful. I knew what was coming and it filled me with dread. It was actually a relief when she finally told me to go away, because before that there was still hope that she wouldn't. I can move on now. It would have been so much easier if she did that a month ago instead of putting up with me and playing nice all this time. I feel like I actually kind of hate her now. She has shown to be an incredibly selfish and uncaring person.

I got to watch Mad Men on Netfllix with my wife cuddled up with me last night, which was nice. It's something she never would have done with me had none of this happened. We talked about what we needed to do in order to make things better between us. --and I told her I just need attention. I need to be able to talk to her about things and to feel loved and be close to her. She says she completely understands because she felt the same way back when she was a housewife to her ex husband. Now I am the housewife. I don't feel the same kind of excitement with my wife I would have with my friend. It's like being married to my mother, really. We will never be able to change that part of our relationship, but at least now there is something.

This whole experience has left me even more untrusting of people. I now find myself completely unable to leave my apartment. The thought of getting a job and interacting with strangers has never been more revolting to me. I still feel depressed, but only just slightly more than I did before all this happened. I wish my friend could find all that I've written here and read it all. I don't expect her to change her mind, but I do wish she could understand. I am really hoping for there to be some kind of afterlife in which everyone can see the world through everyone else's eyes at once somehow, and that people could experience what things have been like for me and really understand.
____________________________
Galkaman wrote:
Kuwoobie will die crushed under the burden of his mediocrity.

#73 Oct 29 2016 at 12:39 PM Rating: Good
Avatar
****
6,392 posts
Just learned today that an online friend I had been talking about this to over Skype decided to meddle and take things into her own hands earlier this week, which may have been the reason for my friend's sudden change of heart. Apparently my online friend, Beth, decided she would go onto Facebook and browse through that other guy's information and found something about him having herpes, which she then texted a screen capture of directly to my friend.

I am beyond furious right now. Suddenly a lot of the things my friend said to me the other day are making a lot of sense. "You know what you said and did" she kept saying to me. I thought she was talking about how I had expressed my feelings to her and made her uncomfortable that way. Now I know she thinks I did that. Now I'm thinking maybe I can fix that, but it's too late. There is no way she'd believe me or even listen to anything I had to say.

Beth's reasoning for this was "if I were in her position, I'd want to know." --without thinking about how bad it would make me look if my friend so much as suspected I had anything to do with that.

Edited, Oct 29th 2016 6:42pm by Kuwoobie

I think if it weren't for this happening, things would still be fine. I could be at the comic store right now enjoying Erika's company, playing Magic the Gathering or something. I'm going to go ahead and use names now because it's too confusing referring to everyone as "friend."

Edited, Oct 29th 2016 6:47pm by Kuwoobie
____________________________
Galkaman wrote:
Kuwoobie will die crushed under the burden of his mediocrity.

#74 Nov 01 2016 at 1:08 PM Rating: Good
******
49,482 posts
Well, if you think you can fix it and feel that it's too late then you're not all that interested in fixing it.
____________________________
George Carlin wrote:
I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
#75 Nov 02 2016 at 5:12 PM Rating: Good
Avatar
****
6,392 posts
I don't think I can fix it. I can see clearly everything that has happened now. It was over the moment my wife came stomping into the comic store on September 30th, that first day I got to go. I told her I was going to go there while she was at work, and we both agreed that the kids would be fine at home by themselves for a couple of hours. Then for some reason on that day she decided she would leave work early to come to the comic store and scream at me for leaving the kids at home in front of my friend, after which I had left. That was how that otherwise great day had ended. I think my friend was even more humiliated than I was. It was only after that that she never wanted to play League of Legends over Team Speak anymore, and kept suggesting I try to talk to other people at the comic store. She was just trying to be nice after that. I could have left just a little bit later that day and not said anything to my wife and things would have been fine, at least for a little while longer.

My wife was never concerned about the kids being home alone. She was jealous, and did not want me to hang out with Erika. She was there to mark her territory. Her property. She even made up some lie about trying to call me and how I didn't answer. At the time I believed her and thought maybe the signal wasn't getting through, because my phone never rang and did not have any missed calls. Then as if feeling guilty, she took us home and got the kids and all went out to dinner at nearly 10pm. I knew it would not be the same after that. I knew I would not be able to fix it then, and maybe if I did not continue to make things worse, I could have.

--and now I can't do anything. I'm completely cut off from any kind of communication with Erika. "Just leave me alone" she said before blocking me. She probably has not even thought about any of this since then, yet it is all that I think about. It is as if I never existed, just like with so many other people before her. But I'm still here. I just exist outside of everyone else's reality. It's like Purgatory, where I can see everyone and everything like normal, but can't interact with or be seen by them anymore. A good example of this is how we are both still in the same Team Valor group I created on Facebook back in July, yet cannot see each other on it. My existence doesn't have to be an inconvenience for her or my friend Red anymore. They can just delete me from their memory and go on with their lives. But I'm still here. I'm trapped in this apartment inside this adjacent reality for some unknown amount of time. Everything stays static.

I was just beginning to feel like a normal person before all this happened. Every single person I talk to, including Erika, has berated me for being overly negative, saying I should be more optimistic. --that thinking happy thoughts will somehow magically make things different. But they have not seen the **** I have seen. They are not me. It's just not something I can do on my own. I need someone to help who won't run away or act out of fear or just doesn't care. But I'm so scary, right? I'm terrifying, apparently. Do people really think I might hurt them or something?

It has never been quite like this. I have never gone so long without being able to return to some sort of normalcy or stability. It's like I can't start up somehow. I feel like I don't deserve to eat, but I do it anyway. I have been trying. I untied the noose I made out of an ethernet cable today and used it to plug my laptop into my router due to my WiFi being ****. Seemed like a big deal at the time but I regret it now. I keep thinking about a potential afterlife-- how I might somehow get to experience all of the things I wanted to do in life but never could until all of those things become just as uninteresting as the experiences I had in life-- then I could move on and be recycled somehow. Worst case scenario, and most likely, is I just cease to be-- becoming completely neutral.

I think about the future and what some realistic goals might be, and they hardly feel like goals. It just looks like more of the same. I apologize for writing all of this boring ****. Its how I try to feel normal, and I kind of do now.
____________________________
Galkaman wrote:
Kuwoobie will die crushed under the burden of his mediocrity.

#77 Nov 03 2016 at 12:07 PM Rating: Good
**
348 posts
Regrettably work is busy today and I don't have time to make a proper reply. But I would be remiss to neglect saying that before you act on any suicidal thoughts, you really ought to call a suicide prevention hotline. I understand that psychological counseling is expensive, but there are resources out there. The fact that you're contemplating things to the extent you are is exactly the kind of thing therapists look for in their intake paperwork.

I hope you keep fighting. I hope you keep breathing. I do sincerely hope you keep on keeping on.

And for the record, no; I don't believe that the cure for depression is optimism (I find the idea ridiculous and insulting, frankly). If anything, realism is a better antidote. The reality is that there is both good and bad in life, and we should expect both and be prepared to deal with both. It's better to seek balance than to chase after happiness.
____________________________
FFXI Character: Strummer; Server: Odin; 99DNC, 99PUP, 99BRD; LS: Goonies
FFXIV Character: Strummer Sleipnir; Server: Malboro; Archer 24, Goldsmithing 20; FC: Goonies
#78 Nov 06 2016 at 2:14 PM Rating: Good
Avatar
****
6,392 posts
I enrolled at Keiser the other day. It worked for my wife when she became a nurse so I figured why not. I'm going for radiology instead. I can't wait 4 years for a degree from UF, and this way I'll be able to start classes as soon as the 21st of this month.

Until then I'm just waiting. Staring into nothingness. I try to kill time at my computer playing games like WoW and Hearthstone, but it feels like eating shit. It's something I'm forcing myself to do because there is nothing else to be done at the moment. I still feel sick in my mind somehow. I still feel like I'm on borrowed time. I can't get over this feeling like I have been abandoned-- not by anyone in particular, but by humanity as a whole. It's like my life and everything in it that was ever worthwhile keeps moving further and further away and I am now watching it disappear beyond the horizon as I stand here at the side of some deserted road, exhausted and bleeding.

I just want to hide somewhere. I can't stop thinking about what an inconvenience I am to my wife, my stepdaughter and my son. I keep thinking about how careful I had been before. I knew back then I would not be able to take another hit. I KNEW what would happen and it is exactly what happened, but I kept listening to people, up to and including Erika, that it was all in my head. --that people weren't so bad, that I was just being overly negative and that I am somehow making things more difficult than they really are yet absolutely refuse to elaborate on what that means or what it is exactly I am doing wrong.

But I know exactly what I am doing wrong. My expectations are simply too high. I am supposed to stay home. Read books. Play games-- things I can do by myself that won't inconvenience anyone else, and that's the bottom line. I must stay out of sight and out of mind, lest I make someone uncomfortable. This is my shitty sack of carrots. This is what is for me.

I keep thinking about that thing everyone says: "Treat people the way you would want to be treated" and what a HUGE LIE that is. I think about when people say to get out of my own head and to help someone else, and I realize that no one wants or needs my help. Everyone wants for attention, just not from me. I am "bad." I scare people. I'm an adult male, which means I could potentially hurt someone with my advantageous size and weight, or god forbid, my *****-- the scariest thing of all. Surely I must be plotting to kidnap them and do horrible things to them where no one can hear them scream. Worse still, I am jobless and without money. I am a scrub. This recent upsurge in Tumblr-style SJW brand Feminism correlates directly with the rise in unemployed and underemployed millennial men. How dare we look at other human beings! How bold and impudent he is for trying to make friendly conversation. Surely he is scheming some perverted goal and undressing me with his eyes! What nerve he has to show up in that car without those clothes to stand in the same room as us. Time to go home and blog about how lewd and lascivious he is.

Oh, but how things will change. I have been told rad techs make upwards of $50-60k a year. I'm going to shave and cut my hair in some trendy, nonthreatening metrosexual way-- maybe color the tips. I'll buy a nice car and expensive fitted clothing and become completely integrated into this culture that I hate. I guess now I have to wait and see if that will even make any difference.
____________________________
Galkaman wrote:
Kuwoobie will die crushed under the burden of his mediocrity.

#79 Nov 06 2016 at 6:59 PM Rating: Excellent
Liberal Conspiracy
*******
TILT
You're married and are bitching that some girl -- who was aware that you're married and thought of you as a friend to play Pokemon Go & M:tG with -- wasn't romantically interested in you. I don't think you get to play the "Millennial Social Justice Women are too mean" card here. You are 95% the stereotype of the "Nice Guy" who thinks some girl owes him a romantic relationship in exchange for friendship and then throws a hissy fit when she declines. I say 95% because usually that guy isn't currently married.

That said, getting your shit together and getting an education can't hurt.
____________________________
Belkira wrote:
Wow. Regular ol' Joph fan club in here.
#80 Nov 06 2016 at 10:17 PM Rating: Good
***
1,054 posts
It can. Getting an education turned me into the man I am today.
____________________________
Timelordwho wrote:
I'm not quite sure that scheming is an emotion.
#81 Nov 06 2016 at 10:35 PM Rating: Good
Avatar
*****
13,212 posts
Yeah but when we consider the number of murders you didn't commit, the phrase "could be worse" comes to mind.

Edited, Nov 6th 2016 11:36pm by Timelordwho
____________________________
Just as Planned.
#82 Nov 07 2016 at 9:18 AM Rating: Good
Avatar
****
6,392 posts
Jophiel wrote:
You're married and are bitching that some girl -- who was aware that you're married and thought of you as a friend to play Pokemon Go & M:tG with -- wasn't romantically interested in you. I don't think you get to play the "Millennial Social Justice Women are too mean" card here. You are 95% the stereotype of the "Nice Guy" who thinks some girl owes him a romantic relationship in exchange for friendship and then throws a hissy fit when she declines. I say 95% because usually that guy isn't currently married.

That said, getting your shit together and getting an education can't hurt.


I wasn't expecting a romantic relationship.
____________________________
Galkaman wrote:
Kuwoobie will die crushed under the burden of his mediocrity.

#84 Nov 07 2016 at 9:23 AM Rating: Excellent
Liberal Conspiracy
*******
TILT
Kuwoobie wrote:
I wasn't expecting a romantic relationship.
Kuwoobie previously wrote:
She is the first person I have ever actually expressed my romantic interest in before, and even though I was rejected, it was actually kind of relief.

Are we doing the thing again where you keep insisting you never said stuff that you already said?

Ok, fine. Let's just pretend that you weren't looking for any reciprocity. So you, a married man, told another woman that you were romantically interested in her -- and you want it to somehow be at least partially her fault that she got the hell out of there instead of just being Pokemon buddies with that hanging over it. Whatever.

Edited, Nov 7th 2016 9:24am by Jophiel
____________________________
Belkira wrote:
Wow. Regular ol' Joph fan club in here.
#85 Nov 07 2016 at 9:25 AM Rating: Good
Avatar
****
6,392 posts
It's not her fault.
____________________________
Galkaman wrote:
Kuwoobie will die crushed under the burden of his mediocrity.

#86 Nov 07 2016 at 9:35 AM Rating: Excellent
Liberal Conspiracy
*******
TILT
Then stop crying about "Tumblr-style SJW brand Feminism" and stop hitting on women while you're married and throwing a hissy fit when it doesn't go well.
____________________________
Belkira wrote:
Wow. Regular ol' Joph fan club in here.
#87 Nov 07 2016 at 9:43 AM Rating: Good
Avatar
****
6,392 posts
I'm on my phone at the moment so I can't say much, but none of that really matters. It isn't about that really. I'm just beginning to realize that I am not acceptable. All that I want in life is illegal or inappropriate in some way or another. I am now realizing that I can't do what is expected of me. Given that, it makes sense that I should be removed in some way. Destroyed. Erased.
____________________________
Galkaman wrote:
Kuwoobie will die crushed under the burden of his mediocrity.

#88 Nov 07 2016 at 10:12 AM Rating: Excellent
Liberal Conspiracy
*******
TILT
The world is full of dudes on the left side of the "socially acceptable" bell curve. You're not special enough that you need to "be erased" -- let's save that for the child molesting terrorists or something -- you just need to put forth the minimal effort to interact with society, be it having a job or talking to a woman without obsessing over her. But that takes work to be rewarding and thinking that the universe views you as some cosmic flaw is rewarding now in its own twisted way.

It's not that you're unacceptable, it's that you're unwilling to be moderately acceptable and want to think that labeling yourself as "unacceptable" makes you relevant in some way. Save that shit for your shopping trips to Hot Topic.
____________________________
Belkira wrote:
Wow. Regular ol' Joph fan club in here.
#89 Nov 07 2016 at 11:46 AM Rating: Good
Avatar
****
6,392 posts
Jophiel wrote:
The world is full of dudes on the left side of the "socially acceptable" bell curve. You're not special enough that you need to "be erased" .


It would be more efficient and humane if we could all be put down-- all of us that are not socially acceptable, not just me. I could have been identified and destroyed at a much earlier age. People do it themselves all the time when they realize they are redundant. I just haven't been able to achieve that. I just need something to break my complacency. I need to be cornered or threatened in some way that could drive some kind of fight or flight response. Not having a gun means there is a 0% chance of escaping on a sudden impulse. I would have to very deliberately retie a ligature, then find some point to tie it from that would not break under my weight. I have read that I would lose consciousness after no more than 13 seconds with only partial suspension, followed by death after about 15 minutes. A long drop would be faster but at a much greater risk of failure.

Quote:
It's not that you're unacceptable, it's that you're unwilling to be moderately acceptable


What is the difference?

Quote:
...and want to think that labeling yourself as "unacceptable" makes you relevant in some way.


I don't care about being relevant. All I care about is a way out of feeling like this every day. Writing about it here helps some, but it doesn't stop anymore. It doesn't get better or go away. It is some intangible thing and the only way I can really describe it is damage. I feel like I am cracked and broken into millions of pieces that are now so far away from each other that they can't be repaired like it has before. I imagine this must be what it's like to have rabies. I have a constant need to break things but I don't. On the outside I probably look perfectly fine.
____________________________
Galkaman wrote:
Kuwoobie will die crushed under the burden of his mediocrity.

#90 Nov 07 2016 at 12:03 PM Rating: Excellent
Liberal Conspiracy
*******
TILT
Kuwoobie wrote:
It would be more efficient and humane if we could all be put down-- all of us that are not socially acceptable, not just me. I could have been identified and destroyed at a much earlier age.

Save it for your young teen sci-fi novel.
Quote:
What is the difference?

You want to give yourself a label that you don't actually deserve (and thus avoid any responsibility) because it's easier than putting forth moderate effort. You're lazy. To be fair, maybe you're lazy because you're clinically depressed, I don't know. But if that's the case, it's still on you to get assistance in that regard.
Quote:
I don't care about being relevant.

Bullshit. If this was the case, you wouldn't be going on about how your friend doesn't want to talk to you or how your wife wasn't giving you enough attention, etc. You wouldn't be talking about how you should die since you're not relevant -- you just wouldn't care. People want to be relevant; it's the human condition. In the absence of positive relevance, you've decided that making your life into some dramatic black hole is the next best thing.
Quote:
I imagine this must be what it's like to have rabies

When you're exposed to rabies, you're supposed to proactively seek medical care rather than laying around saying "Woe is me, the universe must want to erase me!"

Edited, Nov 7th 2016 12:08pm by Jophiel
____________________________
Belkira wrote:
Wow. Regular ol' Joph fan club in here.
#91 Nov 07 2016 at 12:13 PM Rating: Good
Avatar
****
6,392 posts
Quote:
People want to be relevant; it's the human condition.


I guess I just don't know what you mean exactly or why it matters.

Quote:
When you're exposed to rabies, you're supposed to proactively seek medical care


If I had rabies, I could do that. I don't know what I have. You talk about effort and laziness as if there is anything that can be done about it.
____________________________
Galkaman wrote:
Kuwoobie will die crushed under the burden of his mediocrity.

#92 Nov 07 2016 at 12:41 PM Rating: Excellent
Liberal Conspiracy
*******
TILT
Kuwoobie wrote:
I guess I just don't know what you mean exactly or why it matters.

You want to be meaningful in some way. You're lying when you pretend otherwise. If you weren't lying, you wouldn't be complaining about how other people aren't finding you important nor would you have been going on about how awesome it was when your Pokemon Go club was in full swing. Nor would you be posting here about it, to be honest.

Having been shot down on positive relevance with your friend, you're instead going for attention on how your life is a black void of inky despair to either fish for validation or get people to say "Golly, that's terrible." Which is a quick, cheap fix that feeds on people's sense of decency and empathy while furthering deepening your issues as you become dependent on a method of relevance that has a proven success rate of driving healthy people out of your life.
Quote:
If I had rabies, I could do that. I don't know what I have

Right. When you're down with some unknown illness, you're totally supposed to say "Dunno what this is... Welp, guess I just die now" Smiley: rolleyes
Quote:
You talk about effort and laziness as if there is anything that can be done about it.

Well, yeah. Guess why that is.

You want to validate your feelings and "Oh, I should just die" as though there is a winning rational argument for why that's true. There isn't one beyond "I just don't want to make the effort." Now if you want to own that and admit that you feel should die because you're too lazy to do otherwise then go for it. Acting as though you're helpless against some cosmic tide is just trying to find excuses for being lazy.

Edited, Nov 7th 2016 12:43pm by Jophiel
____________________________
Belkira wrote:
Wow. Regular ol' Joph fan club in here.
#93 Nov 07 2016 at 1:06 PM Rating: Good
Avatar
****
6,392 posts
You are injecting a lot of stuff about cosmic tide, the universe, etc. It's a lot more simple than that.

Quote:
Nor would you be posting here about it, to be honest.


I write about it here because it is a relief for me. I feel a lot less like clawing my eyes out after writing gbaji-worthy walls of text.

Quote:
Right. When you're down with some unknown illness, you're totally supposed to say "Dunno what this is... Welp, guess I just die now"


I don't have an illness. It is not a tangible thing. I can't just go to a doctor and tell them these things and expect them to do something about it. --and yes, I realize there are doctors who specialize in mental health. I don't believe there is anything they can do about it, either, though. They can load me up with drugs but it won't change anything. It won't erase the mistakes I've made.

Quote:
You want to validate your feelings and "Oh, I should just die" as though there is a winning rational argument for why that's true.


I'm actually hoping someone say something. In all the years I have posted here things have changed a lot, but I haven't. There is no more barkingturtle here to tell me I should live stream myself "eating a shotgun sandwich." I feel like it would be easier if I had someone's permission or go ahead in some way.
____________________________
Galkaman wrote:
Kuwoobie will die crushed under the burden of his mediocrity.

#94 Nov 07 2016 at 2:07 PM Rating: Excellent
Liberal Conspiracy
*******
TILT
Ok, whatever. Have fun being lazy and whining about it on the internet.
____________________________
Belkira wrote:
Wow. Regular ol' Joph fan club in here.
#95 Nov 07 2016 at 2:40 PM Rating: Good
Avatar
******
29,346 posts
Jophiel wrote:
Then stop crying about "Tumblr-style SJW brand Feminism" and stop hitting on women while you're married and throwing a hissy fit when it doesn't go well.

Tumblr-style SJW brand Feminism exists to be made fun of, not to cry about. Smiley: nod

Edit: Like this, for instance. "Stop mansplaining Star Wars, 8 year old boy!"

Edited, Nov 7th 2016 1:42pm by Poldaran
#96 Nov 07 2016 at 2:40 PM Rating: Excellent
Avatar
*****
13,212 posts
Your life lacks purpose, you aimlessly blunder through your existence on the margins of society, contributing nothing of value and expecting the same. A grey nothing of existence, lacking skill and ambition, you shamble on. You aren't the first, you aren't the last. There must be some purpose to it? You wander through the wasteland for what seems an eternity, the absence of distraction brings clarity.

Make Chaos your purpose!
____________________________
Just as Planned.
#97 Nov 07 2016 at 2:53 PM Rating: Excellent
******
49,482 posts
Learn an instrument.

And then learn annoying songs with said instruments.
____________________________
George Carlin wrote:
I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
#98 Nov 07 2016 at 4:17 PM Rating: Good
Avatar
****
6,392 posts
lolgaxe wrote:
Learn an instrument.

And then learn annoying songs with said instruments.


I can play Wonderwall on my guitar.
____________________________
Galkaman wrote:
Kuwoobie will die crushed under the burden of his mediocrity.

#99 Nov 07 2016 at 4:32 PM Rating: Excellent
GBATE!! Never saw it coming
Avatar
****
9,227 posts
Kuwoobie wrote:
I don't have an illness.
Yeah; you do.

Kuwoobie wrote:
It is not a tangible thing.
That's true.

Kuwoobie wrote:
I can't just go to a doctor and tell them these things and expect them to do something about it.
Yeah; you can.

Kuwoobie wrote:
I don't believe there is anything they can do about it, either, though. They can load me up with drugs but it won't change anything.
The drugs don't "make you better". They allow you to get to a place where therapy has a chance to work.

Kuwoobie wrote:
It won't erase the mistakes I've made.
I'm pretty sure I'd trade my past mistakes for yours. You are not the "worst/most damaged/unsalvagable" person in the world and certainly not the any of those things on these boards.

Kuwoobie wrote:
I'm actually hoping someone say something.
/em shouts in Kuwoobie's ear.



I'm no doctor, but here's me reading the last couple of weeks of posts you've made here and reading eerily familiar things therein. Here's my diagnosis and advice.
YOU ARE CLINICALLY DEPRESSED. GO TO THE NEAREST MENTAL HEALTH FACILITY AND PUT YOURSELF ON A 72 HOUR SUICIDE HOLD. GET LINKED UP WITH A DOCTOR AND THERAPIST AND STICK WITH THEM. LIVE. RAISE YOUR CHILDREN.
____________________________
Anna wrote:
People often say that if someone doesn't agree then, they don't understand their point. That's not true. Sometimes they don't agree with it.
#100 Nov 07 2016 at 7:57 PM Rating: Good
Repressed Memories
******
20,896 posts
The only position worse than being the most unfortunate person in the world is being the second most unfortunate person.

People in depressive states often seek to inflate the severity of their problems to legitimize their feelings. Depressive people don't want to realize their setbacks are minor. Depressive people don't want to realize their condition is temporary. Depressive people don't want to realize their problems are solvable.

Angry people don't want to be told to calm down. Heartbroken people don't want to be told they'll get over it. People don't enjoying realizing what they're feeling is incorrect.
#101 Nov 07 2016 at 8:52 PM Rating: Excellent
Encyclopedia
******
34,808 posts
Kuwoobie wrote:
I write about it here because it is a relief for me. I feel a lot less like clawing my eyes out after writing gbaji-worthy walls of text.


Which is ironic, given how most people feel after reading my posts. Smiley: tongue

Seriously though, if you examine your own feelings, you'll find that what Joph said is about *why* you feel relief. You're looking for validation and attention. You get it by talking about just how awful things are in your life. The problem with this method of attention gaining is that it requires increasingly more awful things to outdo the last set of awful things. Which can easily result in a self created downward spiral. You're actively choosing to focus in a negative direction because you've found that's the easiest way to garner attention. That's not a good direction to go though.

I feel like I'm being a broken record here, but you really do need to find some means to change your own mental direction. It's like people give you advice, and your response is to just insist that it can't work, things are just too bad, you're a special unique snowflake for whom the normal rules just don't apply, etc, etc, etc. You really do come off like you're committed to being miserable, and nothing anyone says will make any difference. And yeah, as long as you insist on that, you're going to have that negative outcome. But what do you expect anyone else to do about it?

From our perspective, this is like someone complaining about how much it hurts when they hit themselves with a hammer. When we respond with the obvious "stop hitting yourself with a hammer", you insist that's just not possible. Um... Ok. You've received a number of responses, all variations of the same thing. You can choose to ignore the advice you've been given, and wallow in the pain and suffering that results, but then you really can't complain about it since it's you doing it to yourself. Repeatedly saying "I can't do that", isn't helpful at all. You can do these things we're suggesting. You are choosing not to.
____________________________
King Nobby wrote:
More words please
Reply To Thread

Colors Smileys Quote OriginalQuote Checked Help

 

Recent Visitors: 1 All times are in CDT
Anonymous Guests (1)